


These Lasting Scars

by TheAngelofFate



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ezra has a form of PSTD, Ezra is a very VERY damaged little Padawan, Father-Son Relationship, Gen, Hugs, Hugs for Ezra, I think I have made my point that the relationship between Kanan and Ezra is a platonic one, Kanan is a awesome dad even though he has his own issues, Kanan is a loving space dad and nothing more to Ezra, Master & Padawan Relationship(s), Maul is a dick but is also dead, Psychological Trauma, Space Dad and Blueberry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-15
Updated: 2017-06-22
Packaged: 2018-09-24 18:26:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 24,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9778955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAngelofFate/pseuds/TheAngelofFate
Summary: A month has passed since of Ezra and Kanan's liberation from Maul's captivity. Ezra realized that just because he was home doesn't mean he was okay. Nightmares, severe panic attacks, and his self-hatred with himself was getting worse. But with the help of his family, Ezra needs to see that these scars wouldn't last forever. {Sequel to my ATHOAE fic. No slash, 100% platonic.}





	1. Chapter 1

There are some out there in the world who would think that coping with traumatic events would be a breeze, if you only had your family to give you the comfort and support you needed. Back on Lothal, long before my parents were taken from me, that's actually what some of the children my age had thought, the Holonet on Lothal would broadcast these private programs to entertain us younger kids. They would show holographic images of people dealing with various problem, an episode on traumatic events had been one of them. And it had said that if you just stay around your family, then everything would be fine and you would heal. Naturally, it was just a way to keep the innocence inside us children, it was way so that we wouldn't know the horrors of what was really going on, because that's not how life works.

It was traumatic when I lost my parents, it was traumatic when I first felt the Dark Side of the Force, it was traumatic when Ahsoka died at the hands of Vader and when Kanan lost his eyes because of me. In two of those events I did have my new family to help guide me, but I was still so angry and not myself even with their help. And now after of silently bottling everything up, I realize now that they can't comfort you from everything. My name is Ezra Bridger, and it was only a month ago that my master and I went through something traumatizing with the Sith Lord; Darth Maul.

Even after the first week of being back on Chopper Base, I knew that what happened to me had changed me, but not in a good way. I didn't say a word to anyone about what went down with Maul, even though I could tell they really wanted to ask, they said nothing and I was grateful for that, for everyone giving me the space I needed— But _still_ , I felt different. The nightmares that plagued my mind when I fell asleep only seemed to be getting worse as time went on to the point where I had been refusing to sleep and only that but I also noticed that after a while physical contact with others, scared me. Whenever I'm not expecting the touch, it made my skin crawl, my heart race and my breathing to come labored.

There had been a moment, in the two weeks that followed where Hera was briefing us about a mission that Rex and Zeb would be supervising when one of the passing crew members that were simply moving cargo around moved behind me and brushed up against my back to get by. It had been unintentional and nonthreatening but it also had unexpected and surprising all the same, and it made stiffen and my heart rate to speed up, memories of what Maul had done to me flashed within my eyes and I couldn't help but collapse to my knees as I struggled to breathe. I woke up in my room after that, realizing that this was something else Maul had taken from me.

But what was most noticeable, between myself and everyone on Atollon was that I couldn't use my Lightsaber. And by couldn't, I mean that whenever I saw it on Kanan's belt or whenever I tried to hold it if Kanan ever offered it to me. I would freeze in place and then I would get slammed with memories of what that weapon had done to me and I would start having flashbacks. The first time Kanan handed me my saber after we both decided that we were ready to continue my training, I took one look at that thing and suddenly I was with Maul again, he had me pinned to the floor with my Lightsaber in his hand and then agony hit me and he started laughing and— then I was awoken to my Master shaking me, calling my name, holding me upright. I started crying after that. Telling Kanan that I wasn't ready to use that thing just yet as I apologized profusely to him, feeling as though I was failing him as a Padawan. And my surrogate father merely nodded, understanding and reassuring as he always was.

But as much as I am traumatized about what happened, so was Kanan. Along with my own nightmares, flashbacks from the past and breakdowns I noticed that my Master had also changed for the worst, just like me. He's become more overly protective of me over this last month, getting angry at anyone who just so happens to accidentally trigger an episode from me by unexpectedly touching me...in fact from what Hera told me after I woke up from that first episode, Kanan had grabbed the young man by the shoulders, angrily yelling at the guy, almost to the point of hitting him if not for Rex, who stepped in immediately and stop the confrontation from going any further. Among that, Kanan's mind seemed to be changing, there were moments where as we meditated outside, I felt Kanan's _fear_ of being alone, his _anger_ towards Maul and anyone who sought to hurt me, his brokenness from all he's gone throug, his _guilt_ for what happened to me.

But the one thing that I was feeling the most above all the chaos going on inside my father's mind, was his madness. His growing madness, the one that he told me about before we were both discharged from the medical bay, that began from being isolated for weeks, from being disconnected from me and from his injuries, the madness that caused his hallucinations, when I asked him about it, asked him to describe what was going on, Kanan explained that whenever he was alone, all by himself that was when the voices inside his mind would come out, ones that would tell him to do these awful things to his friends, to his family. And along with them, Kanan could also hear Maul's voice. And if I concentrated hard enough, I found that I could also hear them too, hear them torment Kanan— hear Maul torture my Master with and mock him.

After that revelation, I made sure to never leave Kanan alone ever again. I requested from Commander Sato if I could move into Kanan's room, and was relieved when he gave me immediate clearance without any hesitation. "Of course, Ezra." Sato had said to me when I attempted to give my reasoning for wanting to move into Kanan's room. "I understand that Kanan is the one person who knows what you are going through, it's natural that you would want to be closer to him." Not the explanation I had planned but I went along with it anyway. And while Kanan noticed very quickly that I was hanging around him quite more then I ever have, I could tell that my mentor didn't mind in the least, in fact, I think that it's actually been helping keep the voices away, in keeping Maul's voice away. And being around Kanan so much was actually helping me too.

But it only helped so much.

Our nightmares still tormented us every single night, I still had episodes where I would be on the verge of hyperventilating, and there were moments where Kanan would have his hallucinations. I still couldn't hold my Lightsaber, I still had reoccurring moments were I would hate myself and Kanan still battled his growing madness. Neither of us fine, though we pretended to be for the sake of everyone else— and I think that even they knew that we weren't. But no, we were not healed, or okay. Sometimes I doubt that we ever would be again, and thinking like that always made my heart heavy.

"Ya okay, kid?" I heard Zeb's voice from far off next to me, I turned around and gave the Lasat a smile.

"Yeah." I said with a small nod as I stood up from sitting on Kanan's bed and stretched. "Just— Just wondering if I'm ready to try an wield my saber just get."

The care-free expression on Zeb's face changed at my words. "Oh— Oh... well. That's good."

I could tell that this topic was awkward for him to talk about but I pushed onward needing to vent to someone who wasn't my parental figures. "Kanan says I am ready and so does Hera, even Rex thinks I am but they also said that I could wait until I thought I was ready."

Zeb rubbed the back of his neck with his hand. " _Do_ you think 'yer ready?"

I sighed and rubbed my eyes, frustrated. "Maybe? I mean... I want to be— But I don't know."

"Ezra, what you and Kanan went through—" Zeb paused as I felt him place his hand on my shoulder, a shiver ran through my arm. "It was big but you gotta give it some time, there's no rush."

I shrugged his hand off and started to make my way out of the room I now shared with my Master. "We're in war, Zeb. There's always a rush." I walked out before Zeb could give me any sort of reply.

* * *

For the next few hours I walked the grounds of Chopper Base as I waited for Hera and Rex to get back from their supply run. Hera had convinced Kanan to come along, giving the argument that Kanan needed to get off the planet of Atollon and, she was also going to take but but I could tell by the look in her eyes that she still thought I was unfit for travel still and decided to only take Kanan along. I protested at first, knowing full well that Kanan's madness was increasing and was afriad that I would only get worse if I wasn't there. But Hera silently assured me that Kanan would be fine with Rex and herself.

So here, back on Atollon, I waited for them to return. I aimlessly wondered around the area, not knowing what to do with the time I had and by the looks of our Rebellion, they all thought I looked like a lost Loth-cat, and from their point of view I probably did. But there wasn't much else I could do expect wait.

Then finally, finally after a few more hours, I saw the _Ghost_ coming into view. It touched down on Chopper Base and I immediately started to make my way towards it. Rex was the first one to exit, I smiled at him and he gave my hair a ruffle as he passed. "Hey, lad."

Kanan came off next and I breathed a sigh of relief when I saw that he looked calm and relaxed. I felt him search for my signature with his hand outstretched and made his way over to me. "Hey." I said and I could hear the relief in my own voice.

"Hey." Kanan repeated as he placed a hand on my shoulder and gave it a squeeze. "Are you alright?"

I nodded my head, "Yeah, I'm okay. Are you...? You're mind— I mean, is it—"

Though Kanan still had his mask over his eyes, I could see that my Master's expression looked grateful as he spoke with reassurance. "I'm alright, Hera made sure that I wasn't alone."

Though that news really shouldn't surprise me, my eyes widened with shock anyway. "So... she knows about— the voices?"

Kanan shifted uncomfortably, "Honestly, I think everyone knows. I'm really not good at hiding it..."

"I was worried—" The words flew out of my mouth before I realized what I was saying. But Kanan merely smiled, fondly, giving my shoulder another squeeze before letting it fall to his side.

"I'm alright, I promise." But by the way Kanan's hands shook as he walked away I could tell that he was lying. I sprinted to catch up with him and made sure to brush my arm against his shoulder. Because while physical contact was something I was having trouble with nowadays, Kanan _craved_ it. Maybe it had something to do with being isolated for so long without it, without companionship. Or maybe it had something to do with what Maul did to him or maybe it was the fear of the voices inside his head but for whatever reason Kanan took every opportunity to do so. Embracing, gentle hair ruffles, hands on a shoulder, chaste pecks of fondness on the head or when it came to Hera _not_ chaste pecks, but real _in love_ ones for her and only her.

And that's probably the real reason why everyone knew that something was wrong.

Kanan instinctively moved his arm, returning the light contact and tried to cease his hands from shaking. I inhaled a breathe and decided to try and get his mind off of his madness. "Dad?"

Kanan stopped, abruptly and looked down at me. I could sense his _shock_ that always seemed to be there no matter how often I addressed him by that word. "Yeah?"

I closed my eyes and attempted to calm my beating heart. "I think... I wanna try training now."

The shock only grew as Kanan took off his mask and looked at me with those milky Teal colored eyes. I flinched upon seeing them and seeing the chemical scars that lay permanently a crossed his expression as well as his body. "Are you sure?"

"I mean..." I could feel a tightness in my throat forming and I swallowed. "You said that I was ready."

Kanan knelt down, his hands wrapped around my arms. "I do think you're. But it doesn't matter what I think. You're saber- what happened." A sigh escaped my Master's lips before he continued. "What matters is if _you_ think your ready." Kanan's eyes looked into mine, filled with concern and question. "Do you?"

I repeated the same sentence I said to Zeb a few hours ago, "I don't know... But I— I'm willing to _try_ , is that... okay?" My gaze traveled to the ground, suddenly feeling embarrassed. But Kanan simply squeezed my arms, gently to get my attention.

"Okay."

.

.

.

Kanan waited until it was late in the evening to resume my training. Before that, however, we sat in our room and quietly meditated. There was nothing but silence and our matching breathes. In and out. Deep and calming. Focus, something that Kanan always told me to do. Concentrate. But it was hard to do so with my growing nervousness and the faint whispers I was hearing from within my connection with my Master.

"Ezra." Kanan's voice was so abrupt it made me visibly jump, I opened my eyes and saw Kanan with his eyes closed but his lips were pressed into a thin line. "If you don't want to do this— if you don't think you're ready just yet then we can wait a little longer."

I almost laughed at that. Because that was something similar to what Zeb told me before. "We're in a war, Kanan. I... Everyone need us, and I don't want to feel this way forever. Besides, we don't have time to wait for me to stop shaking whenever I look at my Lightsaber."

"When it concerns your mentality and happiness, Ezra, your family has all the time in the galaxy." Kanan's words made me feel a little bit better about this whole situation but I stubborn, something I also picked up from Kanan as well as my parents. And I made him take me out to train anyway. The air on Atollon was strangely always almost cold, which never really made sense to me given the shape the planet was in, but regardless it always seemed to calm me whenever I was upset. But unfortunately it wasn't much help this time. My nervousness was still very strong and potent and I knew that Kanan could sense it. But he said nothing as we continued walking.

Then Kanan stopped, and I automatically did as well. "Now." My Master said as he turned around and faced me. "Are you sure you want to do this?" He asked one more time, wanting to be absolutely positive that I certain about restarting my Jedi training or if I was still willing to try.

And honestly I had no idea about either of those two options. But again, I'm stubborn, regardless of the way I was feeling I had to see this through. Biting my lip, I swallowed down the lump in my throat. "Yeah, I'm sure."

Kanan nodded his head and reach behind his back and un-clipped my Lightsaber from his belt and made his way towards me. The minute my eyes laid on the weapon I felt my pulse quicken. And Kanan seemed to sense this, for he raised his hand and made him look to his face. "Hey, it's okay. Look at me, it's okay. Don't rush, take your time." His voice as calming and soothing as always. My nails dug into my palms, letting out a shaky breathe as I did what my mentor instructed. I waited until my breathing even out though my heart was still beating a too fast, but I told myself that I waited long enough so I reached forward to take my Lightsaber back all the while trying to push those vivid memories away from my mind— My fingers brushed up against the cool metal and I flinched back, stumbling back and clinched my hand as though I had been burn. A gasp let my lips as my world fell away once again and I was right back where all this started. With Maul, a sadistic grin was on his face, his sharp teeth made his expression even more terrifying, his laughter filled the room he had me locked in and I felt a pressure on my chest and white hot agony.

I cried out, brokenly as I fell backward, curling into a cocoon in a feeble attempt to protect myself from the pain that was going to be inflicted upon me. " _No..._ No! Please... _Please_ , _**leave**_ me alone— _Please!_ " I sobbed out to the Sith Lord, covering my head with my arms. I felt hands grasp my arms, trying to pull them away from my face and a scream was ripped from my throat and... then it all stop... _Protection, love,_ and _safety_ all washed over me at the exact same time, those hands from before were gentle as they pulled me forwards and I felt myself being encircled in a bubble of warmth.

It hurt having that comfort back, because I went so long without it, because I was denied it and was only mistreated while I was with Maul, it hurt so much. But at the same time, it didn't. I blindly clung to the comfort, to that warmth cried out brokenly, feeling so relieved to have it back. "Shh, shhh. It's okay. I got you, Ezra. I'm right here." I heard a familiar voice cut through the walls of fear and pain around me, making everything evaporate into a mist and suddenly I wasn't in Maul's hands anymore, I was on the ground, being held by Kanan. "Deep breathes, Ezra. I got you."

My bottom lip trembled and I continued to cry. My fingers dug into Kanan's clothes and I buried my face into his chest. It happened again. I realized, miseribly. I barely touched my Lightsaber and I still ended up on the ground, having a panic attack. I also came to the realization that I was never going to get any better, I was always going to be scared to death of my own saber, the one I spent twice as long on perfecting then I did with my first Lightsaber. Maul had tainted it, corrupted it and that made me so angry. "Why!?" I sobbed, "I don't understand— Why can't I wield it!?" My voice was loud when I spoke those words, they echoed and they were filled my frustration, my anger and sadness. "What's _wrong_ with me!?"

Kanan tightened his arms around me and held me close. " _Nothing_. There's nothing wrong with you, Ezra. You're just scared and you have every right to be." That same _love, protection_ and _security_ went through our bond and kept me from breaking any further. "These things take time, Ezra. You can't be so impatient. You need to give yourself time to heal, only then will you have the strength to move on." The sense of _doubt_ crossed my mind, as I lay there in the dirt, clinging to my Master. Doubt that I would get better, doubt that I would ever be useful to my family ever again.

In these moments, I couldn't help but hate myself more.

Hours after my little breakdown, Kanan ended up carrying me back to the Base feeling worse for wear. I vaguely remember barely able to open my eyes because of how swollen they were, I felt overwhelmingly nauseous, it felt as though someone took my stomach and twisted it inside out. I recalled how my body ached and my head was pounding so loudly I could hear it in my ears. Color swam with in my vision, they mixed together and I couldn't make out what was happening around me but I was able to hear the very voices of Hera, Rex and Sabine, they sounded worry, their volume of their words only made my headache worse, I whimpered and buried, I felt Kanan hold me tighter in his arms.

I blacked out after then and I didn't wake up until much later as I realized that I was laying on my back, my head gently placed onto a soft pillow and my body tucked under a warm blanket. Confused, I open my eyes and saw that the room I shared with Kanan was completely dark if not for the tiny bit of light that shine a small part of the corner of the room. Shifting around, I immediately felt someone sitting by my legs at the end of the bed. I didn't even need to use the Force to know exactly who it was.

For some reason, that knowledge made a lump form in my already raw throat. "Dad?" I asked, the voice that came out of my mouth was hardly audible and not my own.

A hand gently landed on my own, giving it a squeeze. "I'm right here."

I inhaled a breathe and let it out slowly, my eyes closes again and I took a minute to soak in the calm air that seemed to envelope the room. "How are you feeling?"

I thought for a minute, "I... ached all over. My head hurts, my eyes do too." Suddenly I noticed how warm I felt, I wasn't just warm, I was sweating. "Why do I... feel so warm?"

"You had a mild fever a few hours ago. Hera insisted that I take you to see the MD-23 but I knew that you wouldn't want to go back there so soon. So I brought you to our room, and I've been here ever since, with Hera and the others checking on you and helping out very few minutes." Kanan explained to me. "I wrapped this blanket around you, turned off the lights and you basically have been here, sweating out your fever. It broke a little over an hour ago."

"Thank you. Tell them that too when you see them."

Kanan's silhouette moved and was facing me completely now. "You can tell them that when we go outside."

I blinked in utter confusion. "What?"

"While you slept, I started thinking... about the times where I was a Padawan with my own Master... I remembered whenever hurt, or sick or sad that she would take me for a long walk in the fresh air, she said that it would help clear my mind, relax and take in the comfort I needed to keep going on and I found that it helped me."

"So what? You want to go for a walk? With me?"

Kanan let out a huff of air, "That's what I'm trying to say, yes."

"But I'm sick."

"No, you aren't sick... Well okay _were_ , but technically the only reason you felt that way was because you were so overwhelmed by your emotions caused by your panic attack that that was your bodies way of attempting to fix the problem."

I shifted in the bed, my body still ached and my legs didn't feel like moving at all. "I don't think I can walk, honestly."

"I'll carry you on my back, just like my Master did for me."

I stared at my mentor incredulously, " _You'll_ carry me?"

The expression Kanan wore looked to one of a mixture of exasperation. "If you don't want to go then simply say 'No'."

"No." I said hurriedly, not to cause further stress upon Kanan already. "It's not that... I just didn't think you could carry something or someone and use the Force to help you get around at the same time too."

"Then you can be my eyes."

Silence filled the room, knowing that Kanan hasn't ask me to do that in a very long time.

"So?"

"Alright."

.

.

.

"So are we going somewhere in particular?" I asked curiously, my arms were wrapped around Kanan's neck as the two of us wondered around the outskirts of Atollon. "Anywhere you have in mind?"

Kanan shook his head as he continued to walk, "Nope. My Master never had a certain destination whenever she would do this for me, she just would walk around until I felt better. Looking ahead I saw a crater that looked too big for my Master to step over and I voiced to him, warning him what was in his path even though I think he already knew the hole was there. "No matter how long it took."

I sighed, so that's what this was about. "So you honestly think that this one walk with you is going to magically heal me? Make my nightmares go away? Make me hate myself less? Take everything away?" The tone in my voice filled with sudden irritation and frustration. Kanan stopped immediately and sent calming thoughts.

"Easy, Ezra. Deep breathes." His tone protective, safe.

 _Guilt_ gnawed at my heart, because Kanan wasn't doing anything wrong. He was only trying to help me, help me heal and be there for me like he's always been. "Sorry... I didn't mean to... to sound so angry. I guess I'm just tired."

"It's alright, Ezra." My Master soothed, and continued our stroll. "But answer your question; No, I knew that this wasn't going to help you automatically. It took a while for it to help me... but I figured that it be a start." I smiled, warmth spreading through my heart, replacing the guilt. I let out a yawn and laid my chin on Kanan's shoulder, all the while thinking how I didn't deserve him in the least. Even when he's going through his own issues, he puts them aside and tries to help me.

"You're thinking too loud, kid." Kanan spoke out with amusement. "Focus. Calm your thoughts, relax."

I did as I was told, closing my eyes against the blinding yellow sun rays. And then Kanan proceeded to tell me stories about when he was younger, stories that were long after Order 66 but long before he meet Hera and the two of them became partners, well along with Chopper. I listen to each and every story, intently, a smile on my face as I realized that for the first time in a month, I felt genuinely calm, at peace and relaxed, not as guarded or on edge like I have been lately. And by the time I reopened my eyes, it was already dark out. "Kanan, I think we should head back. It's getting really dark out." I felt my mentor stop and nod against my head that was gently leaning into his own, he turned around and started making our way back to Chopper Base.

A couple minutes later and I heard a screeching, it was loud and familiar and dangerous if you were as connected to the Force as Kanan was, which I wasn't. It was the spiders.

Karablast.

"Kanan." I warned, my voice dragged out his name as my nervousness started to take over, because damn did I hate those things. A loud _thumps_ sounded out behind us, making the ground shake, then several more abruptly happened around us, the quakes causing Kanan's knees to buckle and he almost fell to the ground but was able to keep himself upright for what I assume was for my sake.

One of the spiders attack and Kanan easily dodged it. "It's alright, don't give them a reason to attack you. Remember what I told said; Go in peace." He instructed, calmly.

" _Okay.._." I said, through shaky breathes of air as the spiders hoarded around us. Blocking our way of escape. " _ **Okay**_." I closed my eyes and concentrated, taking several deep inhales through my nose and emptied my mind, letting go of my tension. Letting go of my immediate defensive nature towards the spiders.

And when I opened my eyes, the spiders had stopped moving, looking like statues, frozen there for a second, then without warning one of them attacked. Kanan dodged, I heard him grunt when I saw that he almost slipped on a small crater. "Ezra, they sense your fear, let go."

I was confused as to what was happening, "I _did_ , I swear!"

Which was true, I know for a fact that I did. What was happening, why were they still attacking us when I wasn't agitated anymore? But then as my mentor continued to dodge the spiders with me still latched onto his back, I felt how tense Kanan's body was, I saw how much his body was shaking and how hard he was panting, and none of that was from avoiding the crawlers. I've known Kanan long enough to see him dodge larger things and not break a sweat. This should be easy for him, effortlessly, instead it wasn't. I reached out to the Force, grasping onto our connection to see exactly what was going on here, the bottom dropped out of my stomach when I heard the faint voices whispering around Kanan's mind, they were talking to him, telling him things just like they've done before. Among them, I realized so was Maul's, I shuddered.

But then I understood. I understood the reason the spiders were attacking us... Before when Kanan was able to connect with them, he had a clear mind, accepting himself and his faults,, being at peace with himself. Now though, with his madness growing ever larger, the spiders could no longer tell who he was anymore. For they sensed the voices within my mentor's head, the darkness they held, they sensed Maul and his lingering hatred and manipulating fear. And that alone made them attack. "Kanan, the spiders aren't attacking because of me, their doing it because of you." Kanan stopped moving abruptly, the look on his face was filled with horror.

I attempted to reassure him that it wasn't his fault, not really. "It's because they can hear the voices too, inside your head."

"But I—" The tone of his voice was no longer calm and collected. It held fear, Kanan was afraid.

"You have to calm down too."

"I—" But Kanan didn't get to finish his sentence for something solid and large collided behind me and sent both of us crashing to the floor. I cried out as I fell on my back, I could do nothing but simply lay there completely dazed, the screeching of the spiders becoming louder as my ears stopped ringing.

"EZRA!"

A screech of agony echoed throughout the area, I blinked owlishly as the fog lifted and I regained movement in my limps once again. Sitting up, my eyes locked onto Kanan as I witnessed him fighting on of the crawlers, his Lightsaber drawn. I looked around me and saw two spiders that were cut completely in two. My gaze went back to Kanan and the crawlers he was fighting.

" _Back off_!" Kanan called out, I sensed his anger, it was so raw and exposed that it almost physically _**burned**_ me and I flinched away impulsively. "How _dare_ you hurt him! You'll pay for that!"

Kanan was no longer scared now, the fear of Maul in his head was replaced by pure rage, the same fury that has been coming out lately whenever something bad happened to me. But... But Kanan was too angry, I've never seen him that way and it hurt, so much. My master was so angry, in fact that he didn't see the spider charging to his left with a screech that pierced the air. "Kanan, _look out!_ " I yelled out, but it was too late. The crawler had crashed into my mentor and sent him flying, where he land hard on the ground and remained there un-moving.

My heart stopped as an image of nightmare flashed within my mind, it was of Kanan laying in that exact position, burn marks covered his entire body, where he was nothing but a heap of limps, dead. The image was gone as soon as it had come the giant insects were crowding around Kanan, going in for the kill. " _No!_ " I cried out, fear clasping down on my very soul, the fear of losing my mentor once again, bolting forward I reached out with the Force and called something, _anything_ to my hand that would help me protect Kanan. The Force seemed to answer my call when my fingers closed around an object that I didn't bother to look at as I blindly rushed forward, leaping into the air I brought down the weapon in my hand in a slashing motion. I repeated the movement until everything became quiet, until it was just Kanan and I again.

Sweat dripped down my forehead, my breathes were labored and shallow but I didn't care, I had protected Kanan, more so I protected both of us. I reached up and wiped the moisture from my face, taking in a huge gulp of air, greedily. Suddenly a groan echoed out, my limps moved on their own as I ran forward and fall to my knees beside my mentor. "Kanan!" I gasped out, my heart still pounding in my chest. My hands hovered over Kanan, watching him sit up and grasped his head and winced. Heavily concerned, I reached out the deep cut above Kanan's eyebrow, hoping that it wasn't as serious as it looked. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah... I'm alright." The reply was raspy and still slightly disoriented.

Anger flared within my soul, "What were you thinking!?" I seethed, digging my nails into my palms. "You were so... **_angry_**. I felt it and it hurt— Dad... You almost got yourself killed, what the _kriff!?_ " My emotions got the better of me and my fist connected with Kanan's chest; once, twice, three times.

Kanan blocked my assaults and pushed my hands away. "I... They... You almost died-"

"So did _**you**_!" I clinched the Jedi weapon in my hand, as I bit my lip in aggravation, . "If I hadn't jumped in when I did those crawlers would have _killed_ you! I mean I know you wanted to protect me but you—"

Kanan's voice no longer sounded adrift or lost. It held only awareness, recognition as he spoke my name, "Ezra."

"What?"I looked away from Kanan, still irritated with my reckless Master for almost dying.

"The weapon your holding, it's my Lightsaber."

I blinked owlishly, frozen by those words. Slowly, I looked down to the weapon I had been holding and found that Kanan was right, I was holding his saber. I felt oddly numb about that realization but my Master on the other hand, looked ecstatic as hands were on my shoulders, gripping them tightly, as Kanan slightly shook me to get my attention."Ezra, _see_? This is good!"

Honestly, what was he getting at? "What are you talking about? So I'm holding your saber, so what?" I bit the inside of my cheek and let the weapon drop to the ground with a clang. "You're saber didn't do what mine did to me. This doesn't mean anythi—" Then I was cut off as I was encase with an armful of Kanan, he pulled me close.

"Yes, it does." Kanan interjected, gently. "Ezra, you _saved_ me. You saved both of us, you acted and protected without thinking. Which is a Jedi's natural secondary defense is to protect others." Kanan pulled back and looked at me, his Teal milky-white held such reassurance and hope, hope for me. "I'm not saying that your 100% healed just by holding my Lightsaber, no one in your position would be, what I am saying is that this means, to some extent that your getting better. And that's a start."

My lower lip trembled, "You really think I'm ready?"

A small smile graced Kanan's expression. "Of course I do, Ezra. But do _you_?"

I closed my eyes and let out a low breathe. "Only one way to find out." I said slowly, "Kanan? I'd like to have my Lightsaber."

Kanan nodded, reaching behind his back and un-clipped my saber from his belt for the second time and held it out to me. I looked at it and dug my nails into my palms as those same images as before flashed within my eyes, then I felt a hand on my shoulder, steadying me, keeping me grounded to reality. "Remember, take your time."

So I did, I waited and breathe in and out. I focused my mind, concentrated on what my heart wanted. I listen to both of them. One said I was ready, but the other said that I was still broken. And both of them were right, and I found myself automatically leaning towards my heart, because it was a safe place, where I could curl up and hide from the pain no matter how damaged it was but I mentally shook my head, backing away. Forcefully telling myself that I couldn't stay there forever, because this was my choice. I wasn't completely healed, but I also didn't want to stay broken forever. So I choose the middle ground, the path that I walk down and help me get better little by little, with the help of Kanan and everyone else.

And when I opened my eyes I felt better about myself, lighter, less tense. I still felt that fear inside me, fear of what happened but I pushed it down and reached for my saber. _You are my weapon. I use you to do good, to help people and to take down the Empire. You obey me._ I told myself and my saber, determinedly. My fingers brushed against the cool metal and I breathed as the _fear_ spiked within my heart, it shrunk away, immediately scared and wanting to hide but I planted myself firm and closed my hand around the handle. The feelings of _disgust_ and _self-loathement,_ and _anger_ as they tried to claw their way to my heart to limp mind and limps but I pushed away them all away as I gently took my Lightsaber from Kanan held it within my hand.

A gasp let my lips, my entire body was shaking, I could hardly take in a decent breathe of air from the exertion I out myself through and my heart still felt so scared as it tried to remind me what this thing had done to me, but I let it all fall away as I realized that did it. I was able to with stand my fear and take back something I thought was lost to me forever. A laugh escaped my throat, I kept on laughing even when my vision blur and I felt tears of joy cascaded down my face. I looked to Kanan and saw that he looked just as happy as I was.

" _Kanan..._ " I laughed again, as I gripped the weapon in my hand. " _Dad.._. I did it."

"I see that." And I sensed waves upon waves of _love_ and _pride_ and _happiness_ encase my mind and heart, it felt them wrap me in a bubble of safety that was my connection to Kanan. More tears fell down my cheeks as I flung my arms around my Master's waist and clung to him, burying my face in his chest, and I felt Kanan return it immediately.

"I knew you could do it. I'm so proud of you, Ezra." Kanan's voice was gentle and kind and happy as he rubbed small circles on my back and carded his fingers through my hair. My body still continued to shake and my heart still attempted to show me it's fear, proof that I still had a long way to go before I was healed but I was okay with that, because I wasn't alone. "Thank you..." I sobbed out gratefully. "Thank for being here for me, Kanan."

"Always, my Padawan."

And the two of us stayed like that until the sun rose.

.

.

When we arrived back at Chopper Base a few hours later, Hera was— well saying not happy would be an understatement, she was fueled, more so then I have ever seen her. She gazed at us, saw our cuts and bruises and immediately ordered us to go inside and left without another word. Which neither of us could blame her for, we were gone for a long time, she probably though something horrible happened to us. As the nurse droids treated our minor injuries, that's when Hera came in, Zeb and Sabine looked just as angry as Hera did as they walked in behind her, the only one who looked relatively calm was Rex.

Hera demanded an explanation. And Kanan explained what happened, it didn't take very long, only a couple minutes at best. But then when Kanan got to the part about my Lightsaber, I took that moment to stand up and show them, showed them that I was getting better. Their expressions changed almost instantly, going from angry to shocked to happy in almost a matter of seconds.

"Alright, kid! You did it!" Zeb beamed with a light chuckle.

Rex smiled and nodded to me, "Good job, lad. Knew you could do it."

"I'm still _not_ happy with what you two did." Hera announced as she walked over towards us only to gently place her hands on our shoulders, "But I'm just glad you both are alright." Then she looked at me and I saw her eyes forming tears, she smiled and leaned forward and place small kiss on my forehead.

I leaned into it, with a sigh.

A hand brushed against my back and gave it a pat and I impulsively stiffened. I looked up and saw that it was Commander Sato, "Well done, Mr. Bridger." I scoffed and bit my lip, closing my eyes and breathed. In and out. Focus. Everything's alright.

 _ **"** Ezra? **"**_ I heard Kanan's voice within my head, and I latched onto it. and my mentor responded by placing a hand on my neck. _ **"** Are you alright? **"**_

I let out a laugh and chewed at the inside of my cheek. _**"** No...Not really. **"**_ I answered truthfully, and Kanan's expression was a mix of concern and irritation towards Sato. _**"** But... I think that one day I will be. **"**_

The look of anger in Kanan's eyes dissipated and I felt as well as heard him let out a deep breathe. _ **"** You will be. Because you have us. **"**_ His words and the rest of my family's presence calmed me, slowly piecing back together my damaged heart.

Maybe Holonet broadcasts weren't so wrong after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *falls to the ground* Finally! It's doneeeee.
> 
> Gawd, guys. GUYS! Five days, five days I have been working on this sequel for "At The Hands Of An Enemy". And now I'm finally done. Well— with Ezra's anyway. Kanan's is next and I don't even know how to begin writing his part. All I know right now is that I am tired and I feel as though I need to rest for like a month, because this is so long and I'm sorry that it is. I always intended for it to be long, one of the many reasons I ended "At The Hands Of An Enemy" is because I truly felt that that story was told, that way I could expand more and Kanan and Ezra's trauma through these one-shots. I mean, this is not my best one-shot, personally for me there are various sections I don't like (but I'm just too tired to go back and redo) but this is certainly the longest one I've done and the most detailed. But I'm not ashamed to admit that there were parts that I teared up while writing, I was that invested into Ezra's character.
> 
> However I did have fun writing in Ezra's POV. I also enjoyed writing his trauma and everything he was thinking and feeling in more vivid detail. Detailing the fact that Ezra was afraid of his own Lightsaber and training in general was something I wanted to pay attention too the most, because from what I know about the Star Wars franchise, is that a Jedi's saber is basically an extension of themselves, it's apart of them, it's connected to them and that's also the very reason why Ezra was so frustrated and sad when he couldn't even hold it because Maul had tainted it.
> 
> I also wanted to show that while this is Ezra's POV and while Kanan is as helpful and there for Ezra as he has always been. That doesn't mean he's alright. His madness is slowly growing, the voices are only going to become more frequent and so will Maul's, and that will only make the hallucination's return will undoubtedly have Kanan lose touch with reality. But regardless of his own issues, Kanan's number one focus will always be on Ezra, because that is who he is, and because that is his Padawan and he loves the kid.
> 
> Anyway, a penny for your thoughts? Comments are always appreciated and right now I could really use some because I am physically drained. SO please leave them in a comment and I will see you all soon once I have planned and found a way to write for our dear and loving Cowboy Jedi's trauma.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well long time no see my fellow Star Wars fans! Yes, I am back with the update to "These Lasting Scars" finally after a months of a much needed break from my part (because god I was so tired, I was emotionally and physically drained from writing the last chapter in Ezra POV.) But now that I am rested enough I am here again to write for Kanan's chapter, I'm going to give this one my all (as I do with all my stories) and I hope you guys enjoy it!

When Ezra grasped his Lightsaber finally after months of fearing it, after months of flashbacks and months doubts about himself, I couldn't have been more prouder. In fact, I was _amazed_ that someone as young as Ezra, someone that went through something so traumatic, and difficult was able to take that first step towards overcoming that fear, that phobia. But he did and I, as his mentor, master and surrogate father, was so _happy_ for him, happy to feel the smile on his face as he buried it into my shoulder and feel the joyful tears fall from his eyes as they soaked through my clothes when I held him, closely, protectively in my arms as I have always done.

Unfortunately, with Ezra concurring his fear, it made me realize that I... hadn't. It made me realize, that no matter how fast I climbed and begged and screamed, I still wasn't any closer to the deep, dark pit I had fallen into. I have my good days and my bad days, and sometimes the bad days can out-way the good, but that just makes me fight harder for those good times with my family, even if what happened to me... was my own fault.

_Yessss... Those thoughts— Continue to think that way... Fall deeper within our abyss._

I cringed as the voices within my head thoughts. "No!" I snarled out, angrily. _Leave me alone!_ My fingers impulsively grasped the roots of my hair and pulled, hard enough that I yanked ten possibly 15 strands out as I could feel them against my fingertips, and certainly hard enough to hurt. Because I learned long ago that I could block out the voices, all those voices— Maul's voice whispering things in my ears, trying to break me, with pain. I know that it's wrong, to physically hurt myself, I know that if my family ever found out about this that I would possibly never be left alone ever again. But if this helps to keep the voices away then...

"Love?"

I shook my head and blinked several times through my mask as a voice, interrupted my thoughts, to which I was grateful for. I turned around and let the hairs between my fingers gently fall from my hands and into the dusty, Atollon winds. "Yes, Hera?" I heard her shift in the dirt, her shoes crunched the small pebbles under her feet as she moved closer towards me.

"Are you alright?"

I opened my mouth, a lie already forming on my lips, ready to be told in order to not make her worry, as to not scare her. But I closed it a millisecond later when I realized that it was pointless, no matter how strong my poker face was, no matter how keen my Jedi skills were, Hera always knew when I was lying. I inhaled a deep breathe and turned slightly away from her. "I... don't know..."

I felt slender fingers brush up against my shoulder and squeezed gently, I leaned into Hera's touch, thankful for her support. "Are the—" She paused for a moment and I could tell that she was struggling to ask me about the voices I was hearing, as she always did because Hera, as amazing and talented as she was, she— for the first time, didn't know how to help me. And I could tell that that knowledge hurt her more then anything. "Are the voices... back?" She asked gently, and I could hear the tension in her voice, hesitating ever so slightly.

I gave her a curt nod of my head and took in another deep breathe as I felt someone invade my mind yet again. _Aw, Master Jedi. Trying to block me out I see._ I bit my lip and resisted the urge to cause myself pain once again, for if I did so now then Hera would see and it would only cause her to worry more then she always was. _Get out of my mind! You're_ _ **not**_ _real! I_ _killed_ _you!_

 _Ah, but in there lies the problem. As I have told you repeatedly for the past few months_.

I felt Hera wrap her arms around me from behind as Maul's voice continued to torment me. I collapsed against her and tried so very desperately to force that Sith Lord away, but I couldn't do it, I was far too tired, so tired that even Hera's strength and love wasn't enough to help me get through this. _You may have destroyed my body but my mind will never leave you. I am bounded by you through the severe action you have taken for the sake of your Padawan._ I weakly dug my fingernails into my palms and I numbly felt dirt get stuck underneath them, vaguely I wonder when exactly I ended up on the ground, but Hera was still holding me, I felt her gently stroke my hair and massage the likely red spots of the missing hairs I had just ripped out. I was grateful, grateful that while I was exhausted, I didn't have a break and accidentally hurt her as I have almost done to others in the passed. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt my family.

Maybe tomorrow would be a better day.

Ezra had promised me that until they could find a way to rid the voices inside my head, and rid the torment I was under, that he would never leave my side. Saying that since I helped him concur his fear, since I was helping him heal from his ordeal he had endured with Maul, that he would do the same for me. I was touched by that gesture, that promise and I could tell that by the way our bond seemed to _glow_ even within my blind eyes, that Ezra had meant every word. And for a while that's exactly what he did, we shared the same room, we meditated together, whenever we walked around Atollon, Ezra was always with me.

Until— he couldn't be anymore, as Sato had decided to clear Ezra into going on missions again, but mostly recon and recovery missions. Missions that would have the least amount of blaster fire and possible combat, knowing that Ezra was still struggling with that. Ezra, of course, went to object this clearance. Honestly saying that while he was healing, I wasn't and as my Padawan he needed to stay by my side. Again, I was touched, so much that I knew that I couldn't let him stay behind just for my sake alone, even though his company did help keep the voices at bay for at least a little while, I interjected gently and told Ezra that I would be fine on my own while he helped out the rebellion. I told him that as long as I wasn't alone and had someone within out family, with me at all times that Maul's voice wouldn't torture me.

He protested, which didn't surprise me. But after a while when he realized that I wasn't backing down he agreed to the clearance and started going back on missions. And he was gone... a lot. I noticed just how much I missed the kid whenever I would turn around and feel that he wasn't there. And that made my chest hurt because I went weeks without seeing Ezra when I had been captured by Maul, for weeks I was alone, isolated from anything, the darkness and the utterly quiet room I was in slowly mad me go slightly mad, and killing Maul didn't help my already weakened psyche. For weeks I had nothing, and Ezra had Maul— _hurting_ him in unspeakable ways. I never wanted to be alone without my student ever again. But I knew, for Ezra's sake and healing that I had too.

But thankfully, on the days Ezra was gone, my family had never left me alone. More often then not, strangely it was usually always Zeb and Rex that seemed to be glued to my side whenever Sato assigned our youngest member a mission. Asking me to come spare with them, or wanting to me to come join whatever it was they were doing in that moment. Hera, did her very best to constantly be around me, sometimes she would come find me -as she has done mere hours ago- or at night she would stay by my bedside when the nightmares and hallucinations were at their worst, until I fell into a dreamless sleep. Even Sabine and Chopper sought me out and awkwardly and silently sat beside me.

All of them, at least once or twice, made sure to give me some-sort of physical contact. With Zeb and Rex it was a pat on the back or a hand on the shoulder, Hera would rung her gentle fingers through my hair and place a soft kiss on my cheek. Sabine and Chopper, when they sat beside me would box me in, as they quietly brushed the sides of my arms with theirs. Chopper would even reach his mechanical claw out and grabbed at my ponytail, affectionately. They all did this, without asking and without caring, because they knew that I needed it, and I did. Their presence and contact, made my body stop shaking and the voices go away. Even if it was for only a few minutes to an hour at best.

But I realized too quickly that they couldn't always keep my madness at bay for long.

_We will neverrr leavee, Kanan Jarrus. We will never fade away..._

And that just made everything so much more difficult to deal with. Because even in those moments, where I'm surrounded by their comfort and love, it still wasn't enough. Regretfully, there were still times where I would see things that weren't there, images of Maul or Vader or sometimes even the Clone Troopers that killed my Master Billaba. Images of being utterly alone and one my family's dead bodies around me, cut down quickly and soundlessly and how my heart would ache in those times for I was the only one who survived. Those hallucination, as vile and traumatizing as they are would make me lash out at whatever solid thing I could get my hands on, and almost always, when I finally snapped out of my episode, I would have someone by the throat, either suspended in the air or flat on their back on the ground. But there were rare times where I even had my Lightsaber drawn, battle stance at the ready, seconds away from attacking.

The _guilt_ I felt afterwards was... overwhelming. Because not only am I a Jedi Knight, but I'm first and foremost a protector towards all of the Rebellion here on Atollon. I am suppose to protect my family, not try and hurt them, or scare them. And to know that at any moment, at any given time I could seize up and potentially harm them, even if it was without my knowledge at the time was... terrifying. I was dangerous, I was a threat to everyone. I knew that, and Sato and my family knew that as well. And yet for some reason, none of them had locked me away yet. Most likely because they all thought I could still be saved.

As I lay sat on the ground outside Chopper Base, waiting for my Padawan's return. I didn't know whether to feel eternally grateful for their faith in me or utterly frustrated for their foolishness.

_You're family are foolsss to think they can rid your mind of us, Jedi..._

I visibly cringed, my shoulders tensed and my neck stiffened. Go away! I growled, as I dug my fingernails into my palms and bit my lower lip and relished in the pain, as they faded for a second only to crash back against my skull, full force.

_You can not get rid of usss, you can not make us go away!_

I bowed my head, in despair.

_We are here, we are infinite._

"Kanan?"

My head jerked upward as a voice said my name, short puffs of air left my mouth as I tried to regain my grip on my composure and on reality. When I did, I realized who was now before me, because I could sense the utter concern and fear coming from this person. I could sense the still lingering trauma within his heart but I could also sense the determination to heal and move past everything.

Who I was sensing was with no doubt, Ezra.

Just thinking his name and knowing he was here made me visibly relax. I inhaled a deep , shaky breathe and let it out as I turned around. "Ezra." My heart rate began to relax when I said his name, I smiled a little as my hands twitched in my lap, wanting to immediately reach out but I held them back. "How was your recon mission?" I asked calmly, casually. Trying to avert Ezra's attention off myself.

I heard Ezra's boots shift in the dirt as he pivoted on his feet. "Ah, it was fine. Just a simple reconnaissance mission, nothing to really talk about."

_Pathetic child, trying to heal the cracks and holds within his heart even though it is utterly useless._

I licked my dry lips as I tried my best to ignore the voices as they started up their torment again, among my inner chaos I could feel my Padawan poke my mind, trying to gain access to my thoughts and emotions, the very ones I was trying to hide from him, the ones that would definitely make his concern for me grow. "C'mon, you've been gone for three days. Something exciting must have happened during that time for you to talk about-"

"Kanan, I know what you are doing." Ezra's voice interrupted my words as I could feel the kid attempting to access my thoughts. "You're trying to distract me, from asking out you are doing." I had been caught, easily and pathetically, yet that didn't stop me from denying it.

"No, I'm not."

"Then why aren't you letting down your shields around your mind?"

Again, I was caught. I closed my blind eyes and sighed. "I don't— I don't want you to know what they are saying..."

I heard Ezra take a step forward. "The... The voices?"

I gave him a curt nod and bowed my head as it ached. _The boy is nothing, he's a poor excuse of a Jedi. He's broken, shattered..._ I cringed again as anger set inside my heart as they continued to lash out to me about my Padawan.

"What— Um... What are they saying?"

_No use to anyone... Just like his Masterrr..._

I pressed my lips into a thin line and ran my hand through my hair and tugged at the roots of a few strands. "Cruel things. About you and me.." I didn't want to elaborate on what they were actually whispering to me, because while Ezra was walking down that path towards healing the cracks and holes within his heart and mind, I knew that by telling him that it would only hurt his already damaged confidence.

"Well, whatever their saying, it's wrong." That same determination was back within Ezra's voice, it wavered a bit as it has been doing for the past couple of weeks, because it was still hard for him, because my Padawan still had moments where everything that happened could came back and hit him full force, and when it did, it hit him hard and it was as if we were all back when we first found Ezra, broken and shattered, with his Lightsaber lying on the floor with blood soaking the hilt.

Those emotions would hit him so hard that Ezra would scream, wrath and sob, wailing how he hated himself, cursing Maul for what he had done to him, then moments later would pass out from exhaustion, his small body in my arms while Hera engulfed us in her embrace and everyone else would silently encase Ezra and I in a bubble of safety. But then as quickly as those emotions came, a few hours or a day later when Ezra awoke again, I sensed that Ezra felt— for lack of another word, better, refreshed in a way even though I could still sense the sadness in his heart. "I mean, I know you and I have a long way to go before we're... we're okay, before we're mended but I know that those voices, Maul's voice are wrong."

 _Oh my naive apprentice, how wrong you are._ I cringed once again, hearing Maul's voice break through the other whispers inside my thoughts, a shiver ran down my spine as I reached outwards and gestured Ezra to forward, an invitation to help me for I could no longer keep ignore them anymore. I felt his presence as he sat down next to me, his hand covered my own and just like that, silence fell between us. A comfortable, peaceful calmness, almost like a protective barrier, one that my madness couldn't break through, at least for the time being.

Ezra squeezed my hand, as emotions of concern for me washed over him. I returned the motion silently and tried to calm my mind and find peace through meditation. But lately, I've realized that I haven't been successful in doing so. But regardless, Ezra being here with me was enough.

In the distance of my mind I heard a voice, small and almost inaudible, whispering; _For now..._ And another shiver ran down my spine. _No! You're_ _ **wrong**_ _! He'll always be enough, they all will!_ My thoughts growled back, feral-like as they snarled those words to the now dead Sith Lord with shaky confidence.

"Dad?"

I blinked several times as the word snapped me back into the present, back into reality. I smiled, despite my anger as it slowly faded away. "Yeah?" I answered, my breathing shallow as I bit my lower lip. Lighter emotion's now coursed through Ezra's thoughts. The kid obviously had an idea that sounded fun to him.

"Wanna spare?"

The question was so innocent, so abrupt and filled with such hope and child-like demeanor. It was as if Ezra was fourteen years old again, back when the kid had thought Jedi training was all fun and games, back when Ezra was still somewhat innocent and carefree. We had been taking his training at a slow pace, or at least, _I_ was deciding to take my student's training at a slower pace, because I knew that he was still adjusting, still slightly scared of his own weapon so thinking out of more as his surrogate father then his Master, I was patient. Silently I knew Ezra was grateful for the patience I was giving him. But here he was _now_ , sounding exactly like he had back then, asking the same question with same tone and most likely had the same smile on his face, if not a bit worn and tired.

A small smile graced my expression, knowing this was only a distraction, a clever idea to get me away from the hallucinations, voices and negative thoughts plaguing my mind. but honestly, how could I deny such a request?

"Sure, kid."

•

•

•

Truthfully, when Ezra had asked me spare with him, I had thought that it was just going to be that; a sparing match between us. Just him and I, like it usually is. So I was a bit surprised, dumbfounded, really when Ezra suddenly shoot towards Chopper Base and left me for a few minutes before returning with the rest of our crew. "What's going on?" Rex wondered, while Chopper mimicked the question, coming up behind the Clone Veteran in a less polite way.

"I don't know." I told them simply, truthfully. "Ezra asked me to spare with him, but I don't know why he's gone and brought you guys out here."

"Hey, kid!" Zeb yelled, his voice a low growl but didn't hold any real heat or threat to it. "Why did ya bring us here?"

I heard Ezra take a breathe before speaking. "Okay, so, I know that this is going to be and.. sound a bit out of place and strange but I thought we could have a sparing match, but with all of us included instead of just me and Kanan."

Silence

That's all there was, just this confused silence between all of us.

And I wasn't surprised.

"So..." Zeb started but was cut off by Sabine.

"What like a contest?"

"Ezra." Hera began and I sensed her making her way over to our surrogate son. "I know that you must have a really good reason for wanting to do this but I have to get back to Commander Sato."

"Yeah lad. Now really wasn't the best time for this, Sabine and I were working on that shield generator when you came and got us."

"Maybe later, kid."

I felt Ezra's _disappointment_ , his _sadness_ and it was then that I figured out exactly why Ezra was doing this and I couldn't help but feel touched by this gesture. These emotions washed over my Padawan like water but then they soon disappeared as he spoke. "Look, I know that I came to you guys at a bad time. But I just thought that we could all do this as—" Ezra paused and I heard him sigh. "As a family. For Kanan and me too, for all of us." That same silence blew through the air around Hera , only this time it wasn't of confusion, but of _guilt_.

"I'm in." I said as I stepped forward and gave my student a smile, a warm emotion of _gratitude_ that flowed throughout our bond was my only reply.

"So am I." Zeb said confidently.

"Hera?" I turned to her and I could tell that she was still thinking about it. But a few minutes later she had her answer. "Alright, but no cheating."

"What do we get if we win?" Zeb asked and I could practically hear the smirk on his face.

"Whoever beats Ezra gets bragging rights for a month." Sabine answered and I could tell she was smiling too. " _And_ I get to dye his hair whatever color the winner chooses." Ezra began protesting, saying that there were no winners in this game but Sabine and Zeb said that if those terms weren't agreed with then they weren't competing, but even I could tell right away that they were only teasing.

I scoffed, as I broke up the three of them up, shaking my head a little. "Alright, let's do this." With Chopper picking the pairs who would spare with one another, we all got started. First up was Sabine against Rex. From what I could sense within the undergrounds, from the vibrations within this planet they were surprisingly evenly matched. Sabine was more flexible and light on her feet as she flipped around acrobatically but Rex was a lot tougher and stubborn to knock down and he had a sixth sense on where she was going to attack and how, simply stating that the way Sabine moved and how she was acting reminded him of a young Ahsoka back when she had been young and slightly cocky.

The tone of his voice held a happy kind of sadness to it, my first instinct was to reassure him but Rex merely smiled at whatever memory he was thinking about that held Ahsoka within it and then went back to fighting, that told me he didn't need any reassurance. They kept this up for quite a while before Rex started to get tired and sluggish. That was when Sabine got the upper hand and knocked the old Clone Trooper down.

"HA!" Sabine cheered out, with no doubt a grin on her face.

"Good match, Sabine. But if I was in my prime, I guarantee that I would have won." Rex stated as he got up and sat down.

"Whatever you say, buddy." I said teasingly, a smile on my face as I patted his back. Then Sabine went up against Ezra and they while they were both strong, cunning and flexible in all those aspects, with Sabine's heritage of being a Mandalorian and her natural born skills of hand to hand combat gave her an edge. Ezra, however was still a Jedi, therefore powered by the Force and had his Jedi training to his advantage. Sabine held her own for a goof ten minutes into their match but eventually lost. Rex congratulated her saying that she did a outstanding job lasting as long as she did against someone like Ezra, even though my Padawan was still in fact a Padawan.

My sparing partner was _of course_ Hera —I swear Chopper did this on purpose— and I barely got into my stance and ignited my saber before I heard her thoughts, felt her _amusement_ and sensed her the smirk on her face the very one she use to give me back when we first met, when it was only the two of us and Chopper. And— "Nope." I said simply as I placed my saber back on the holster of my belt and straightened out. "I yield."

Everyone else was surprised, shocked even that I gave up without putting up a fight. Well all except for Hera and I, even Chopper was laughing in the background. "What's wrong, love?" Hera asked as she softly joined her droid.

"You know exactly what." I told her as I placed the my mask back on my face. "You've beaten me before even back when I was young and I've decided that I would like to keep my dignity intact in front of my Padawan." To my surprise, Hera laughed again but this time it was out of fondness. A few minutes later, after we all had a semi-break, Hera sadly stated that she would not be participating any longer because she really did have to get back to Commander Sato.

So now it was only Zeb and Ezra.

" _ **Ohhh**_ , I'm gonna enjoy this." I heard Zeb announce as I heard him take out his staff. "Payback time, kid."

"Get him, Zeb! Rex and I are picking out colors to dye his hair with, either yellow or green." Sabine cheered from the sidelines as I heard her mumbling to Rex as they amusingly discussed color pallets.

Ezra ignited his Lightsaber. And I could tell, I could _feel_ his tension to still hold his weapon, his grip on it was still too firm, still too cautious, unlike how it use to be before; light, calm and trusting. He was still struggling, but he _was_ trying, he was willing to give his saber a second chance, and that was enough. "What? No support for me? This was my idea."

I chuckled at his words, "Focus on your target, Padawan." My voice was teasing and relaxed for the first time in week. I could feel Ezra glare at me but there was no heat to it so I merely smiled.

Then their match started. And what Sabine and Rex were most likely think was that Ezra would lose in the first couple seconds, but it laughed slightly when they witnessed the kid dodging, blocking and attacking the Lasat as though he has fought tons of them his whole life. He was certainly better at fighting Zeb then he had been when he first joined our crew and became a valued member of this family. Back then, Ezra was cocky. Back then, Ezra thought that just because he had the potential to be a Jedi that that automatically made him one so whenever Zeb and him would argue as they often did, instead of running away on rare occasions Ezra would fight him, and lose. But now, Ezra wasn't losing.

Now, Ezra was holding his own.

Ezra laughed, loudly. "Are you sure it's you delivering the payback, Zeb? Cause from where I'm standing..." I sighed and shook my head as I felt that same cockiness and _glee_ as I had back then. Some things never change, I guess.

"Kid." Zeb scoffed but it from where I was sitting it sounded more of a snarl. " _You're mine_."

My eyes widened behind my mask, and my heart ceased it's beating.

_You're mine._

_You're_ _**mine** _ _._

_"He's mine now."_

And it was as if everything around me fell away. All of a sudden my sense of where I was was clouded to me, I couldn't remember what I was doing before or why I was so frightened. I jerked to my feet and wonder what was going on when from out of the darkness I looked and upon my horror I saw Ezra on the ground and Maul on top of him with my Padawan's Lightsaber in his hands there was a moment where everything froze, where I could do nothing but stand there, my legs were useless as I watched the Sith Lord— A blood curdling scream erupted from Ezra's mouth, one fulled with immense agony, a scream dripping with misery and heartache.

Something broke within me at that sound, something shattered as I gazed upon Maul and how he violated my son, how he used Ezra's own lightsaber too— Suddenly, I didn't care about where I was, that everything around me felt so distant and heavy, I didn't care to wonder _why_ I miraculously had my eyesight back, I didn't care about _any of that_. All I could think about, my one thought in my mind, the one thing that consumed everything else; was getting to Ezra. I had to get to my Padawan, I had to _save_ him, but most of all I had to get to Maul and make him _pay_. Make him pay _**dearly**_ for hurting Ezra.

"EZRA!" I ran forward, my Lightsaber drawn, my other hand outstretched and I lifted Maul off the ground and off my student. My eyes burned with _hate_ as I looked at him, those cold, emotionless yellow eyes tinted with red. Maul grinned at me, "What shall you do now, Master Jedi?" His voice held delight, fascination and curiousity as he hung there suspended in the air above me.

I bared my teeth at Maul and went to attack but then I was knocked to the ground, it was solid, heavy and it held me down as I watched Maul already back on his feet ready, making his way over to Ezra. Something surged within me at that moment, a powerful energy I haven't felt in a long time, not since my days as a youngling with my Master, it was set ablaze and exploded around me, forcing whatever or whomever was pinning me to the ground to be thrown off abruptly and I was free once again. Immediately I made my way towards Maul fully intending to make end the Sith Lord right then and there. "You won't hurt anyone ever again, Maul!" This was my moment, to end it all. To end off the suffering and pain Maul has put my family and I through, this was my moment to make sure he wouldn't be able to do it again. I raised my Lightsaber and-

Something grabbed hold of my arm, they almost felt like fingers wrapping around me. Impulsively, I jerked towards the source, ready for a fight but I could only see nothing, there was absolutely nothing there. And yet the pressure that gripped my arm was firm but gentle, caring. A few seconds later that same invisible force grabbed hold of my shoulder and I blinked hard in confusion.

What was going on?

Then something brushed up against my mind, emotions. Feelings of exertion, a calmness that felt forced as though whoever was feeling this wasn't actually calm at all, I sensed feelings of hurt and sadness. _**"**_ _An..._ _ **"**_ A voice ran in my head. I shook my head and tried to clear away the fog that suddenly appeared out of no where and clouded my thoughts and feelings.

 _ **"**_ _Kan—_ _ **"**_ This voice that was calling sounded so familiar but it was still muffled from the haze within my head so I couldn't identify it. My head ached the more I tried to concentrate on the voice.

 _ **"**_ _Kanan!_ _ **"**_ Then just like that the haze within my mind cleared, I shook my head as I recognized that voice, thinking myself so foolish as should have noticed who it was sooner. Because it was Ezra, who else could it have been but my Padawan? "Kanan?" Ezra's voice immediately relaxed.

My breathing was labored and my thoughts confused as I opened my eyes and was greeted with darkness, Maul no where in sight but I could still feel those small hands on my arms. "E-Ezra?" I croaked out, throat raw and sore as my head pounded. But I was confused, what happened? Wasn't I trying to protect Ezra a few seconds ago? Wasn't I about to kill the Sith that cause him so much pain?

_What was going on?_

I felt those hands, Ezra's younger, smaller hands squeeze my arms, reassuring me. I reached out up to grasped the kid's shoulder because _Force_ knows I _**needed**_ the security that my Padawan was alright and no where near Maul.

A strong electrical current to the back on my skull sent me fall to the ground. I tried to get back up and defend myself from my attacker but I felt someone kick my Lightsaber out from my hand, and I was in too much pain to summon it back to me. I coughed wetly, frustrated with myself for being so weak and helpless as I laid there in the dirt breathing in the particles, and felt my body trembling.

The last thing I heard was Maul's echoing laughter as I blacked out.

* * *

When I finally came too I could hardly remember anything that happened before I awoken. All I felt was this burning headache and my entire body felt like liquid. I groaned loudly as a sharp pain prickled behind my blind eyes and on impulse I tried to reach up and rub them, but I found that my limbs wouldn't obey me, my hands and arms felt weak and drained, while my legs shook when I attempted to stand, wanting to figure out where I was because I was dumbfounded. I couldn't remember anything and that made me feel nervous. The last time this happened, was when I awoken upon Maul's-

My heart skipped a beat at that thought, a huff of air left my lips in a gasp of fear, my legs wobbled and I braced my hand on the wall next to me and I pushed myself up onto my feet. I immediately feared the worst. I feared that my escape had just been a figment of my fantasy, an image caused by my own madness growing further more within. _No, No. It has to be true, I escaped, I know I did!_ I told myself, trying to calm my nerves and clear my mind, think clearly. By that time I was panting, I was sweating and I was utterly exhausted but still I pressed onward. Using the wall for guidance, I felt my way around the room. My fingertips grazed over cracks and dumps, I could sense the texture of these walls and I felt somewhat relieved when I realized that these walls were different. The ones from Maul's base had been silky, smooth and cold, and dripping with hate.

These ones were the complete opposite, oh so they first appeared. As I made my way forward, I began to realize that the cracks started to disappear and the dumps started to level out. I swallowed the dryness in my throat, recalling that these were the improvements made to Chopper Base, to make it more secure as a living space for us all. I let out a sigh as I realized that I wasn't at Maul's base, I wasn't still captured. I was _**home**_. I was home and I was safe.

_Or are you really, Jedi?_

A shiver ran down my spine as those soft and disturbingly chilling whispers echoed throughout the room. _Are you sure you actually made it out? Are you sure that you didn't just make it all up, out of your own desperation at some type of freedom?_ "Yes." I said, my voice shaky but firm and did my best to stand tall. "I know I escaped, I made it out of that place. I am free."

"Ohh, I think we can all agree with the fact that you have never been free, Master Jedi. For freedom requires strength, it requires determination and the will to keep fighting. Which is something you lost a long time ago." I dug my nails into my palms as Maul's voice was suddenly there inside the room with me. I wipped around and saw the Sith Lord standing there, arms fold behind his back, smirking at me with that devilish grin of his. "What do you know, Maul?" I scoffed, I could feel the anger growing in my heart, in my voice as I glared at him. "You don't even know me."

Maul laughed, "Oh on the contrary, I know you quite well. We _are_ inside your mind after all." The voices started to echo throughout the room once again, this time they weren't talking softly, they were loud and talking all at once that it made me feel slightly nauseous. "Seeing all your memories, reading all your thoughts. We are apart of you now, isn't that fun?" A noise that between a sob and a gasp left my lips as I helplessly could only listen. "And the best part is that you will never be able to get rid of us."

_We are infinite. We are one with you._

_We will never leave._

_We are you._

I leaned against the wall and slide down it, feeling hopeless. "No..." I moaned. "Please, stop. _Stop!_ Leave me alone!" I cried out hysterically. Wanting everything to just stop, wanting someone anyone to take the pain and fear away. "Master! Hera! Ezra! Help me!" Sounding as though I was fourteen years old once again as I pleaded for the three most important people in my life, I needed help. I needed their help.

_Go away, go away!_

"And soon you will yield to us, yield to our power and influence. And you will kill your family."

"NO!" I screamed, grabbing the ends of my hair and pulling.

"Kanan?"

That voice, it was familiar. But when I opened my eyes, I could see only darkness, as always. "H-Hera?" I choked on her name and released the strands of hair I had clinched between my fingers.

"Yes, love. It's me." I let out a shuddering breathe of relief, _by the stars_ was I glad to hear her voice, glad to know that she was there with me. Real and physically here and not some illusion. Not some hallucination or trick planned by Maul. She was here and that's all I cared about. I reached out towards her, blindly searching for her hand, needing, craving the physical contact. I bit my lip when I felt her hand close around mine and I pulled her close as I started murmuring to myself, I looked to the corner where Maul had been standing in and found that there was nothing there.

Of course, another hallucination.

"Kanan?" I felt her _concern_ , it cut deep inside her heart and it ran in all directions, her concern for me hurt her as it always did.

And I felt guilty for that. "Nothing— it's just... I'm just glad... you're real, Hera. Thank you for being real."

" _Oh love._ " Then all of a sudden I felt that concern morph into _sadness_ and _heartbreak_ , and the guilt within my heart only deepened as I felt her touch my forehead with her own and ran her hands through my hair. And for a moment, just a moment. I pretended that everything was going to be alright.

"I know this may seem silly to ask. But... how are you feeling?"

Strangely, I found myself laughing at the question. "I... don't know really know how to answer that."

Hera pulled away a few inches to rub my closed eyelids with her thumbs. "I figured as much."

Silence fell over us, it was peaceful and quiet. Soon though a question formed on my lips. "Hera?"

"Hm?"

"Where am I?" I could feel Hera's eyes on me, she was giving me that concerned look again as I asked that question, I could feel it.

"You don't remember... anything?"

I shook my head, try as I might I couldn't recall what happened or where I was. "What exactly happened?" Hera took a deep breathe and let it out slowly. Whatever she was about to tell me, I knew instantly that it wasn't going to be good.

"Well, all seven of us were outside Atollon. We were having a sparring contest." I raised my eyebrow at that. That doesn't sound like something either of us would agree with. The two of us weren't the types for contests or bets. "Ezra's idea." She added as though she read my mind. Ah, that would be a reason why we would agree to something like that. "I had a meeting with Commander Sato so I had to leave a few moments later by the time it started I notice that Sabine was yelling running towards me, telling me that I needed to come right away. That something bad... happened while you all were sparring."

I began to fear the worse. Anything could have happened while we were out there. Those spiders could have ambushed us. Our base could have been located by the Empire, we could have been attacked. "What happened?" I repeated, softly.

Hera sighed and it sounded as though she had aged a few years, she sounded exhausted. "When I got there I found that everyone was roughed up pretty badly; couple cuts, bruises, but no one was seriously injured. Well.. expect for you, love. Of everyone, Kanan. You were the only one that was on the ground, unconscious. And when I asked what had happened, Zeb and Rex informed me that..." She paused, hesitating and I felt her concern and sadness coming off her in waves. "Kanan... apparently when Ezra and Zeb were sparring, you had an... episode."

My heart sank. _Oh no, not again._ I moaned and buried my face in my hands.

"You attacked Zeb and whatever you in your episode was powerful enough to try and kill him but Ezra calmed you down before you could." Dread filled my very soul. Because I knew this would happen, I knew that this was eventually going to get to the point where I would end up hurting someone or likely kill them. I knew it even though I didn't want to believe it.

"I told you all I was dangerous."

I felt Hera stroke my cheek with her fingers. "I know... Commander Sato, has requested that you stay in this room until we can figure out a way too help you."

Nodding, I adjusted myself on the ground, absentmindedly. "Yeah, that's— that's a good idea. One of you can stay in hear with me from time to time...so I don't get— lonely."

"I—" Another long exhale of breathe. "Yeah, Kanan. Of course."

I nodded once again and I had the urge to see Ezra, I wanted him here. I wanted them all here with me, so that they could help me chase the voices of Maul, the hallucinations and fears away. Even if it is for only for a short amount of time. "Can I see Ezra?"

"Sure, I'll go get him." She said, softly as I felt her pull away from my and stand up. "I'll be right back."

"Thank you, Hera." Feeling she grateful that I have her in my life, I listened to her walk away and then I was alone again. But I was patient, I crossed my legs and attempted to meditate, trying to pass the time until she arrived with Ezra. Only thing was, Hera didn't come back. And soon the voices whispered to me, along with Maul appearing at my side, telling me all the horrible things I'm going to do to my family when he finally has control of me- _Force, no! Leave me alone!_

I paced around the room, I yanked at my hair and bit my nails, already on the verge of utter hysterics again when finally; a whole two hours later, Hera came back. "Hera!" I was too overjoyed to see her to be angry at her for taking so long. "Thank the Force!" I walked over to her, reached out for her hand as I had done last time and I pulled it close to my heart. I then, reached out to the Force, attempting to make contact to my Padawan who was now with Hera. Soon, I realized, that Ezra wasn't even here.

"Where's Ezra?" I asked, baffled.

"He's... not coming, Kanan."

"What, why? Is he okay?" I said, immediately concerned for my student's well being. But Hera calmed me by cupping my face and kissing my forehead.

"Ezra's fine." Hera assured me, softly. "It's just that... after you were brought here, all of us, including Commander Sato and we all agreed that for Ezra's safety, and everyone else, he shouldn't be allowed in here with you and neither should any of us." I knew why they were doing this, I understood exactly why. I was unpredictable, I was a walking time bomb ready to go off. I was dangerous to all of them, to my family. Hell, I told them to do this before, but they didn't listen. So I understand why they are isolating me. Still, that didn't stop me from feeling hurt, from being hurt by this decision that they all made without my knowledge. "You know, how I am when I'm left on my own. You... saw me just now."

"I know, Kanan."

I continued as though I didn't hear her, "And I was isolated for a month, all alone with nothing but quiet and the darkness around me. It's the main reason why I'm so contact starved, and why being around all of you, makes it better." I felt her sadness then, it was even worse then before and I could sense that she was trying not to cry, but still I kept talking. "The decision you all made was the right one, my only disagreement is that I don't think it's a good idea to keep me here all by myself—"

"You won't be by yourself, Kanan. There are going to be two guards right outside—"

I scoffed softly, it almost sound like I was about to cry, and maybe I was. I truly didn't know anymore. "That won't help, Hera. You know that, you all know that. I need someone in this room, I need physical contact. Otherwise, the voices will come back— _Maul_ will come back." And without meaning to I read her thoughts, they were so loud and filled with sadness that I couldn't help but peak. And I saw the conversation she had with Commander Sato, I heard him say that he truly didn't want to do this, that he wished there was another way, but they were out of options. And in the very back of this conversation, I saw Ezra standing there, looking sad and small, he was wearing the same expression as the day he found out the his parents had parted this life and became a part of the Force.

That only made me want to see him that much more. Ezra was in pain. My son needed me and I couldn't help him because I was the cause of his sadness. And against my will, my fear and hysteria started to take over, because while I understood, I needed Ezra here. He kept everything away. "Hera, I need Ezra here." I said, my voice thick with emotions as I voiced my thoughts. "He keeps... all of it away. I don't know why that is, maybe it's because we''re so close, closer then any Master or Padawan have ever been or maybe it's because we were both tortured by the same exact Sith. But all I know is that when he's with me, everything is okay."

"Love, I know. I know, he does. But we all know that it is possible, that Ezra won't be enough to keep it all at bay-"

"You guys were enough to keep it all away."

"And that didn't last very long. I'm so sorry, Kanan."

"I was separate from him for a month, Hera. And that, upon everything else almost killed me. Please—" I found myself begging, pleading. "Don't take him away."

And for a moment, I thought that she might cave, that she would allow Ezra to come here, along with everyone else. I felt her _hesitation_ and _conflict,_ her _distress_ and _sorrow_ and I felt like the absolute worst person in the galaxy for doing this to her. "I'm sorry, love. But we can't take that risk with Ezra." And with those words and a quick hug, I felt her presence fade.

"Hera?" I asked, a lump formed in my throat and my body shook. I reached my hands out and I felt nothing but empty air. I was alone once again. A cold shiver ran down my body. I was alone. That word held more of a meaning now that I knew I had to stay here by myself.

Alone

Solitude

Isolation

Just like last time.

I couldn't help but fall to the ground in despair. "Nooo, no. Please no—" I whispered, my voice inaudible and broken. I couldn't alone again, I couldn't. _Not again, not **again** , please! _Because I knew that this time was going to be even worse then it was last time. Because back then I had no one. Now though, my family was only a few feet or yards away and I couldn't get to them. Because they all agreed not too and _**force**_ did it hurt— my heart _ached_ and I could barely breathe without it becoming labored.

Already the silence around me was already starting to bring the voices back. I could hear them slowly, bit by bit, coming back. I know they are trying to help me, I know they are trying to protect everyone else on Atollon, because I am dangerous, I am unstable. And while I'm eternally grateful I also know in reality that they are just making things worse.

•

•

•

I wish I could say that I was sane enough to know how long it was until I was graced with another human presence, who merely brought me food and left soon afterwards. But truthfully everything seemed to mesh together. Hours and minutes, seconds, days— _time_ itself blurred together. I can feel the whispers and the damning quietness of room, once or twice I thought I felt the very walls closing in around me and I could barely breathe in these moments. I did nothing but curl into a ball and stayed at one of the corners of the room. Alone with my own thoughts, they only seemed to get more negative. But to the guards outside credit, they did make an effort to talk to me for they did know exactly what was wrong with me, as did everyone else on the Base.

They told me that they've been apart of the rebellion for a few years now they even told me that they sort of knew what I was going through, for they had their own experiences with hallucinations and voices and that if I needed to talk, to keep it all away, that they weren't going to go anywhere.

I lifted my head up at those words, I took a breathe and asked their names. They told me that their names were Cygnus and Makani. Offhandedly and probably a little crazily, I let out a laugh and informed them that their names meant _Stardust_ and _Wind_. I paused for a moment before I spoke up again. "Thank you." While I knew these two guards weren't enough to shield me from Maul and the illusions, as Ezra would or the rest of my family. I was grateful to them for their help, that they cared enough to try.

Still—

_Forever alone withhhh usss, Jedi..._

_We are you_

_We are infinite_

It didn't help for very long.

Another few agonizing days later, and I was actually visited by someone. It was Rex and I have never been so glad to see him. "How you doing, bud?" He asked even though the answer was obvious. I probably looked exactly how I felt, horrible. From what I could sense, seeing me in such a state hurt him, just as it had hurt Hera.

I licked my chapped lips and sighed, half relieved and half exhausted. "I thought none of you were allowed to see me."

"Well what Hera and Sato doesn't know won't hurt them." Rex stated and among all the chaos within my mind, I could tell he was smiling. "Besides, the real person that's in danger is not any of us outside, it's you, _here_ , trapped by yourself."

"Didn't you agree to have me put here?" My voice was dry from refusing to drink the water that was given to me by Cygnus an hour ago.

"No, actually. I didn't, I was simply out voted. And so was Ezra."

My heart ached at that name. Wanting to reach out within the Force to my Padawan but found, frustratingly, that I was too weak to do so. "How is he?" Desperately wanting to know how he was because I couldn't find out for myself because I couldn't sense him, and that put me on edge even more then I already am. "I can't sense him, so I don't know if he's alright."

I felt a touch on my shoulder and I looked up on impulse, but even though I couldn't see Rex's face I knew that he was trying to be comforting. "Ezra's fine. Well... physically. But emotionally I can tell that he's very sad and... very worried."

The guilt grew in my heart, "Tell him—" I swallowed the lump on my throat, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. "Tell him I'm sorry. I know that I'm the cause of his sadness, I can _feel_ it no matter how faint our bond is, I've always have been able to feel his thoughts and emotions. But this is the first where it's because of _me_ that he's feeling this way. Tell him that I am sorry I can't be better for him or anyone else, tell him I'm sorry for being so... useless." The concern throughout Rex's mind and soul turned to _sadness_ as he squeezed my shoulder and inhaled a deep breathe, obviously trying to mask how he was feeling. He was a soldier so therefore they weren't permitted to show emotions but also conflicted because he was my friend.

"I'll tell him." Rex said and I could hear the thickness in his voice. "Though, I don't think he's going to take it well."

I smiled a bit sadly, nodding. "I don't expect him too, all I want him to take from that is that I'm sorry."

"Captain Rex?" Makani's voice interrupted our conversation. "Time to go." I felt a wave of disappointment at those words, I didn't want him to leave. I didn't want to be alone again with the voices and my increasingly insanity.

Rex give my shoulder another squeeze, as if sensing my emotions . "Don't you worry, bud. I'll be back as often as I can, it'll give you something to look forward too." The old Clone paused for just a second at the door. "The others may think this is helping you but I don't, and I won't stand for my closest friend going losing his mind, not on my watch."

I was touch by that promise, and grateful. "Thank you, Rex."

"Anytime, brother."

And then I heard Rex walk out. Unfortunately, not even ten seconds later. Maul appeared. "How reminiscent. A Jedi and Clone, comrades once again, just like back then. But tell me, didn't you hate him? The Clones were the ones who murdered your Master, after all." My breathe hitched in my throat, I felt so pathetic, I should fight back, I have to fight back, for Ezra's sake, for my family. But... my strength, my will to fight, it was gone, or maybe just badly weakened from all the assault my madness has inflicted on my mind and soul. And it was such that I had nothing to say, I wanted to yell, scream at Maul that I was wrong Rex, that I was wrong for thinking he was like Grey and Styles because he wasn't, I wanted to say all of this but my throat closed up, I didn't have the energy to speak, I was so tired.

_Please... make it stop..._

That's all I wanted was for it to _stop_. I wanted to have some type is blissfulness, some type of peace in all of this agonizing chaos. Desperately seeking that calm serenity, I tilted my head to the left and slammed my temple against the wall. My skull throbbed upon impact, I felt immediately dizzy but I found that It helped, the pain made it go away now as it did back then. That knowledge made me feel so relived that I repeated the process once again, and then again, and again until I felt something wet drip down the side of my skull and cake into my beard. Everything hurt, everything around me was disoriented, nothing but a cloudy haze, and the room spun around me, but Maul was gone and I felt comfort in that.

Seconds later, that comfort end so suddenly that it left me reeling. By the Force, if _this_ is what it took for the voices and Maul, for it all to stop. If pain was my only solution when it has never been before... then what was the point? Because had succeeded in changing me, he succeeded in turning me into something dangerous and pathetic.

_Truly, what's the point anymore?_

_**"** NO! **"**_

I gasped at the sere and utterly abrupt voice that seemed to pierce through the haze of my self inflicted injury, I grabbed the sides of my head because it hurt.

_**"** NO! NO! Please! **"**_

I felt emotions that were not my own crash into me; _terror, heartbreak, desperation,_ and _love—_ so much _love_. And it was all directed towards me. But I didn't understand— What was happening? Among all the things going on all at once, I heard the door to this room burst open. " _KANAN!_ " A voice screamed my name and before I could register who it was I was then engulfed into someone's arms. They were slim and short, and they wrapped around my waist as those emotion washed over me once again.

" _Kanan..._ " And it was as though I felt my heart stop beating, for I knew that voice. It was a voice that I haven't heard from in the last couple days.

Tears stung my eyes, as hope filled my heart. "E-Ezra?"

Those same arms tightened around me as I spoke that name and soon I heard the most gut wrenching sobs echo a crossed the room, "Kanan. _Kanan—_ Dad... I—" And for the first time in days; I smiled, happily and sadly all at the same time as tears cascaded down my cheeks. I moved and I clutched the sobbing boy against desperately my chest. My arms squeezed around Ezra's form every few seconds as I buried my face into that soft, short hair and cried along with him.

" _Ezra_ , my boy. Ezra..." I cried, quietly, without any shame, near hysterics. I felt Ezra bury his face in my chest and continued to sob, I gently ran my hand through his hair and hugged him tighter. _Home..._ The Force, itself and my heart seemed to sing in unison. _Safety, comfort._ I felt whole again, I felt strong again with my son here in my arms, but at the same time I felt scared and weak, because I wasn't the same man I was before all this happened, what if I couldn't protect Ezra? What if I was a danger to him, even if I didn't want to be? "Shh, it's okay. I got you, Ezra." I whispered, softly as I began to rock us back and forth, placing a shaky chaste kiss on my Padawan's temple.

" _K-K-Kanan!_ " Ezra wailed, and I felt his nails dig into my back. "Rex told me what you said... about feeling us-useless and then I _felt_ your emotions— _Force_... I felt it all and the pain you were doing to yourself—" Ezra's breathe hitch then, unable to say anything else as I felt him curl into a ball in my arms, something the kid only does when he's terrified. Softly, I felt the brush of small fingers against my temple, the side that was currently bleeding "—I ran down here because I thou-thought that you were going to— _**Please**_ , don't. Kanan, please don't think that's the only opinion. It's not, and I'm so sorry you went this long thinking that it was."

" _No!_ " I gasped out, shaking my head fiercely as I moved frantically, desperately trying to move fast enough as I gather this kid into my arms and set him on my lap and held him in a vice-like grip. "Don't you **_ever_** say you're sorry, Ezra. None of this— none of what's happening to me... it _isn't_ your fault. I'm the one who should be sorry, who _is_ sorry for causing you so much pain." I greeted my teeth together and closed my eyes, tears still flowing down my face as I hugged Ezra just a little tighter. "I'm sorry, I should have tried harder, I'm so sorry." I felt Ezra curl into a ball and bury his face into my neck.

I tried to take a breathe, to calm my racing heart and shaking body, because finally after days of isolation I felt whole again. But just when I started to feel better, just when I finally felt safe, it was all ripped away from me, abruptly I felt Ezra being yank from my arms. Immediately, I began to panic, " _No!_ " I gasped fearfully as I blindly searched for my Padawan. " ** _Ezra!_** "

"Kanan!"

"Kid, what are you doin' down here? Hera and Sato told us we couldn't be here."

That voice.

It was Zeb.

"Would someone tell me what is going on?"

Commander Sato.

"Kanan... love? What happened to your head?"

Hera, that was Hera. Among all the chaos and my heart roaring in my ears I faintly felt her concern and sadness. It made a silent cry escape my lips, because Hera was here, beautiful, warm and loving Hera. They all were here now, even Sabine and Chopper were lurking in the distance of the corner, suddenly I realized I wasn't alone anymore, and my desperation to keep it that way made me find my voice. "Please." I whispered, I tried to stand up but my head hurt too much and my leg's were refusing to move on my command. " _Please..._ "

"Captain Rex, what is the meaning of this. As hard as this was for all of us, we agreed that no one would have contact with Kanan for the safety of the rebellion."

"With all due respect, Commander. I never agreed to put Kanan down here and cut all ties from him, and neither did Ezra. We were simply outvoted." Rex's voice was firm and held no fear as he stood up to our Rebel leader. "And frankly, did you honestly think that the lad would stay away from Kanan? Back in the Clone Wars, I learned a lot of things, I remembered a lot of things. But the one thing that always stook was the relationship a Jedi and Padawan had... Besides, look at him. Can you honestly stand there and tell me that _this_ is the best solution for him, if he keeps this up, he's going to end up going insane or killing himself before we ever find a way too help him."

"I consider Kanan my friend, he has saved my life on more then one occasion as well as this rebellion but we can not risk the—" Abruptly, Zeb let out a grunt of pain, cutting off Sato's comment and then there was someone falling to the floor among the confusion.I felt Ezra break free of Zeb's hold on him and I didn't even waste anytime before he was back in my arms again. My grip on the boy was vice-like, unyielding, feeling as though I could breathe again. And Ezra held onto me just as fiercely, I wouldn't let anyone take him away from me ever again, not even my own family, I wouldn't let them. Something then, caught my eyes and I could _see_ something, I sobbed loudly, thinking that I was seeing Maul once again and my heart began to break because the Sith had said that Ezra wouldn't be enough to keep the voices at bay anymore, and that's what I thought was happening now, but then the darkness turned into light and suddenly I was seeing no one else but my Master. She stood there, her aura felt so warm, it surrounded me, enveloped me like a blanket. She smiled at me, like she used to do when she had been alive all those years ago.

Then I started to feel dizzy, my vision of her blurred and I didn't know if it was because I was crying or if it was because I was passing out, but whatever the reason, I didn't want her to go. "Please." I spoke again, this time with more volume. "Please, don't go." I reached out to her, my grip on Ezra still tight, whatever she was going, into the Light or back into the Force, I wanted to go with her, I wanted to bring Ezra with me too, I wanted to take them all with me, my family. So that we all could be free. "Master— _Mother_... _**please**_ _..._ " But then she and the ground underneath me vanished and I was completely, Ezra suddenly wasn't in my arms anymore and I began to panic once again as I felt myself floating in mid air. "No... _No!_ Please..."

And then laughter echoed through out this... this endless pit of nothingness I found myself in. The sound itself mocked me, it got such _joy_ in my torment, the voices around me haunted me, plagued me.

 _Finallyyy..._ They spoke, eerily and dangerous, _You are ours..._

_You belong to usss_

_You are ours to do with what we wish..._

_You are Mauls._

I let out a breathe then, my body abruptly went slack. I hung there, suspended in the air like a rag-doll. All of my limbs went limp and lifeless as my heart at the mere hopelessness I felt. And I, with no hesitation, gave up. Even though I knew this wasn't the right thing to do, I was just too exhausted to continue fighting, because no matter what I did I was going to lose, why fight a losing battle? I know that I would be failing my family, my friends, the whole Rebellion by simply just letting go.

But I couldn't do this anymore. I opened my eyes and saw their faces as the darkness started to swirl all around me, engulfing me, taking me over. One by one they all appeared in my line of vision.

_Hera._

" _Force_ — I love you, Hera..."

_Zeb, Rex._

"You two are the best brothers I could have asked for."

_Sabine, Chopper._

"We've had our differences, but I've come to see you as my own daughter... Chopper, you little devil, thanks for always being there."

_Ezra._

As I gazed at my Padawan, I could help but see all the moments I had with the kid, the good and the bad. I watched Ezra grow and become stronger, I watched as the both of us went from reluctant Mentor and impatient Apprentice to something more, something deeper. Our bond grew and as did our connection. Slowly, we became Master and Padawan, we became Guardian and Child; Father and Son. And I couldn't help but feel even more guilty for giving up. "Ezra, when we met you were so _withdrawn_ , and I myself was so closed off; I had a wall up around myself as I trained you, a wall that suppressed my feelings, trying to deny my already growing attachment towards you." I paused, licking my dry lips, my throat hoarse with emotions.

The cold blankets of pure nothingness covered my body, my legs, my arms and torso.

But I stayed perfectly still.

"I knew what it was like to lose a Master, the pain, it's utter **_agony_** to someone so close to you and I didn't want to subject you to that pain, but I also didn't want to feel the pain that a Master feels towards the loss of their Padawan, the overwhelming guilt that a Master has to bear for failing their child and I was scared. But then something... _clicked_ into place and I no longer felt scared. Our relationship grew and something deeper. Soon, I saw you as my son and you— saw me as your father, with no disrespect towards Ephraim or Mira you saw Hera and I as your parents, as your _family_. And I love you so _much.._ " My voice cracked as my heart ached and I bit my lower lip. "I'm so sorry, Ezra. I failed you, I failed all of you. I wish that I was stronger, that I had enough strength in my body and heart to beat this, to _fight_ but— I'm **_tired_**... I'm so tired."

As Maul's voice echoed in my ear that everything was hopeless now as the voices of the Night Sister's announced that all was lost to me. I simply smiled, brokenly, sadly towards the people I called my family. "I love you all. Goodbye."

I then, with no fight left in me, accepted the darkness. And waited for the end.

But the end... never came.

Suddenly, I was wrapped within something warm, something comforting.

"Oh my dear Padawan, I hope you can forgive me."

I gasped, choking on the breathe of air I took because that voice sounded like... "Master...?" I asked my voice small and hopeful, in mere seconds I sound like a child once again. I cracked my tired eyes open just enough to see that yes, it was my Master, my mother. Looking like an angel as I felt her arms pull me close. "From within the Force, I sensed your overwhelming pain, your agony. I could not stand it any longer even though I was going against it, I had to help." Her voice was sad, but it also held joy and comfort. She smiled down at me, warm and loving as I felt her fingers run through my hair and stroke my cheek.

"Mom." I said, I declared thickly, because she was and I could hardly contain my emotions.

"Caleb, my sweet boy. You've suffered so much."

My lower lip trembled, my eyes becoming misty. "I'm so tired, Mother. I don't want this to happen to me, but I can't fight anymore."

"Exhausted, you are. Fight for you, _protect_ you from this evil, we shall."

A puff of air escape my lips as I recognized that voice. "Master Yoda?" I looked to my left and saw him standing there, floating just as my master and I were, he looked protective as well as determined.

"Master Yoda is correct, Caleb. We will protect you." My Master informed me, holding me closer to her and pulling out her Lightsaber. My old Masters being here with me was so overwhelming that it left me dizzy. This, _all of this_ , had to be a dream, or a hallucination or a nightmare. Because why would they want to help me? I was such a failure, as much as I **_wanted_** help I didn't _deserve_ it. "Masters... forgive me, there's too much darkness... _Maul_ is too strong. I'm not worth saving."

"Don't say that!"

A new voice echoed throughout this abyss of light and darkness. One that I was all too familiar with. I turned my head and saw my Padawan standing next to my Master. "E... Ezra?" I looked at his face and saw just how much he has matured since the last time I physically saw him within the lights of the Holocrons. But I still couldn't believe it, I was even more confused and tired then I was before, everything that was happening left me reeling.

Was this really all a dream? But how could it be, if Ezra was suddenly here? "How... are you here?"

Then I watched as Ezra reached out and placed his hand over mine, giving it a gentle squeeze. "It's okay, Kanan. You helped when I was broken, now let me help you."

"Darkness, Maul grows nearer." Yoda informed as he placed his old hand over mine and Ezra's. _Fear_ coursed through my heart at those words, with Ezra here now he life was in danger. Rage boiled in my veins because _No! You won't get Ezra!_

I tried to move, to protect Ezra. But I merely collapsed against my Master's shoulder. " _Ezra_..."

"Kanan!"

"My Padawan, the damage that this Sith has done to you and your son is chaotic, the scars he left run jagged and _deep_ but you _must_ expel the fear and rage within you. It feeds him, makes him stronger. I know the pain you feel but _hear my words_ , Caleb. We shall protect you, but you must save yourself." My Master ordered, firmly, but gentle as she clinched her arms around me. "You must let go, in order to help you, you need to let him go."

"Master, I... I don't know how."

A gentle pair of lips brushed up against my forehead. "Close your eyes, my son. And _breathe_." Without any hesitation I did as I was told. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing, it was like I was meditating, only I being held, I was being protected for the first time in decays. "Breathe, _yes_ that's it my Caleb, now remember all the things that Maul has done to you, to your Padawan, to your family, remember it all." She ordered her arms still holding me tightly. And I did, I remember everything; all the _pain_ and the _hurt,_ that was inflicted upon me and everyone I cared about, it boiled within me and made me so _angry_ at the Sith.

"I'm here, Kanan." I heard Ezra say, his hand squeezed mine, giving me comfort, reassurance, making the anger disappear.

"Now." Yoda's voice spoke to me next, his hand moving to my shoulder, grasping it softly. "Remember, you must. The better times, with love, safety, _family_." Memories of my life as a Padawan flashed through my mind, before Order 66 I had been happy then. Memories of meeting Hera, falling in love with her, forming the Ghost crew and helping those in need, finding Ezra... seeing out bond grow stronger day by day, being apart of the rebellion, being apart of something bigger then myself, knowing that stand a chance no matter how small it is, everything flashed within my mind. Those good memories, they seemed to cool down the rage I felt, I let them fill me up, let them warm my very soul, they calmed my racing heart and I felt as though I could finally breathe, greedily I inhaled a deep long breathe.

"Now let it all go." Both my Masters said in complete unison.

And that's exactly what I did, slowly I exhaled the air that was within my lungs, and with each passing second I felt everything leave, it was as if that one single outtake of breathe was taking all the negativity, all the pain and sorrow, all the rage and pushing it all away. But as the negative moments so did the good ones, for a second I panicked, fearing that my memories of my family were all going to be lost to me, only to be fragments within the Force, but as quickly was they left, they were back again, and they had a glow about them, they seem bright and almost new.

A furious scream boomed a crossed the abyss. The voice, Maul's voice screamed with rage, with hate and malice. "He will act as my revenge, my new body!" I felt the darkness growing around us all, it swarmed and turned into a storm as Maul continued to scream, "He belongs to **_ME_**!"

"NO! Kanan _isn't_ yours Maul! Now leave him alone!" Ezra yelled against the raging winds and chaos, his grip on my hands vice-like. Opening my eyes just a crack and saw him staring at me, those blue eyes of his holding nothing but affection and fondness, then they closed and I blinked, for I felt my strength return to me, _no..._ not _my_ strength, it was Ezra's, _Ezra_ was giving me his energy. "What do you say, dad?" What do _I_ say? I say that I'm done thinking listening to Maul, I'm done with the madness plaguing my every thought and causing me pain.

Shutting my eyes, I took in another deep breathe and let it out with a scoff. I turned towards Maul, I glared at the darkness that I no longer held any fear towards and I spoke. "Get out of my mind, get out of my heart and _STAY OUT_!"

" _NO!_ "

And in a flurry of lights and colors, as Maul's screams echoed all around us I watch him and his very essence vanish in a flash.

But the energy Ezra also gave me disappeared as well and I all but collapsed against my Master's form but she caught me and held me close. "Oh my Caleb, I am so **_proud_** you." Even though it's been decades since our bond has been used, decades since I felt it be severed on that fateful night. I could _still_ feel her overwhelming _happiness_ , her utter _joy_ that I was going to be alright.

"Gone, Maul is now. Too, the voices are. Proud of yourself, you should be."

I sighed, my body and mentality both completely drained. "Thank you Masters." I turned to Ezra, wanting to share this overwhelming feeling of joy, that finally after all these months I was free from Maul's grasp. I reached out, but I found nothing but air. On impulse, I grew concerned. "Ezra?" I said my eyes opening just a sliver and saw that he wasn't there anymore.

Immediately, a hand fell against my cheek. "Calm yourself, Caleb. You're Padawan is merely sleeping, this ordeal has taken a tool on his young mind." Relief spread over me, relief that Ezra was alright and I relaxed once again in my Master's comforting embrace. I heard her chuckle then, "As it has with yours as well." I smiled, turning my face and burying it into her shoulder, proudly feeling fourteen years old again. But then slowly I felt her starting to fade away. My eyes snapped open, I looked and saw that that's exactly what was happening.

" _Master...!_ "

She smiled at me, warm and sad but still so very reassuring. "The Force calls me back, Caleb." Her fingers carded through my hair in a comforting gesture, something that I have done with Ezra on numerous occasions. "I must go now."

I shook my head, frantically. "No. _No_..." I just found her, I didn't want to lose her all over again. "Master, _please_. Don't go." I tried my best to grasp her robes, to try and held onto her so that she wouldn't disappear. But my exhaustion made my grip weak and slack. My body began to shake, my fear and desperation consumed me. "Please." I knew I was being silly, my head told me that this was the way it had to be, but my heart argued just as fiercely that I've lost too much already, that I couldn't lose her all over again not when I still had so much to apologize for. "Master forgive me... I abandoned you, you were my guardian, my teacher and parent and I just **_left_** you... I left you for dead back on Kaller, I know you told me to run but I should have _stayed_. I'm so _sorry_."

"My Padawan, my Caleb. How I love you, my son." Her lips pressed against my forehead once again. "It is a Jedi Master's job to protect their Padawan from any dangers that befall them, even if it costs them their lives. We, as their caretakers must do all that we are capable in assuring their safety. When I asked you to flee the battle with Styles and Grey, I knew my life would end in that decision."

I visibly flinched at those words, but my Master continued. " _But_ you must understand that for not for my sacrifice you would not be alive today and therefore would not have the deep bond you have with your own Padawan or the rest of your family." My Master paused long enough to run her fingers through my long hair. "And I am so proud of the strong man you've become, regardless of the hardships... And while I will miss you as I always have know that no matter what separates us, I will be with you always." Tears formed in my eyes and fell down my cheeks, I felt so happy and so incredibly sad all at the same time as I hugged her as best I could.

"Master... I love you too."

She was becoming more and more transparent, and I made sure that I took in every detailed part of her face, for I knew now that all of this was merely happening inside my mind and that soon when I awoke I would no longer be able to see at all, just as it has always been, so I was going to make sure that I wouldn't forget her appearance.

My Master gave me one more bright smile and then she was gone.

.

.

.

When I woke I immediately felt a drastic change within me, I felt lighter then I have ever felt before, I sensed that my head and my heart were at peace, stronger now then they have ever been before, I no longer felt my mind deteriorating, the madness that I had been dangerously hovering over the edge was now patched. I felt like I could finally breathe and most importantly, I couldn't hear the voices anymore, I was free and that was the most amazing thing in the whole galaxy. Shifting around a little I distinctly became aware of two things; I was laying down, the softness of the of the bed I was laying on made me realized that I was no longer in that room I had been confided in for the last couple days and I was also aware of a small pressure pressing up against my arm.

Opening my eyes and seeing the darkness I raised my arm, my finger tips felt two very familiar scars, the scar tissue there made them feel worse then they actually were, I smiled then, as I ran my hand through that ridiculously short haircut the one that my Padawan still insists that it isn't that bad. Reaching out within the Force, I felt Ezra's signature. It was relaxed and content, but I as I searched deeper I could sense the kid's inner struggle, his apprehension, his worry.

Gently, I brushed passed the obvious nightmare my boy was having and proceeded to calm him, soothing feelings of love and comforting waves through our connection. Upon doing so, Ezra seemed to sense me as well for he jerked up with a small gasp escaping his lips. Everything was silent for a moment, "Kanan?" The tone of Ezra's voice still held that edge of surprise to it, like he couldn't fathom the thought that I was actually awake.

I smiled anyway, "Hey."

The feelings of _joy_ and _happiness_ washed over me, "Kanan— I... You're alright? How are you feeling?" The apprehension was back within my Padawan's voice and I could tell he was nervous, scared of my answer.

I chuckled a little, though it sounded more like a sigh. "Honestly? Physically, I feel fine. I mean, I'm still _very_ tired and sore but strangely I feel better then I have been."

Which was true, but still I could sense the kid's hesitation. "And... you're mind— is it fixed...? I mean, n-not that there was something _wrong_ with it to begin with or that you are crazy or a-anything, I was just speaking on the fact that you— "

"Ezra." I softly interrupted his babbling, "It's okay, you don't have to be so nervous, you can ask."

I heard the boy inhale sharply, and then he slowly let it out. "Maul's voice, the illusions, all you're _pain_ — are they... still there?"

"No." I said simply and honestly, because they weren't, I was _**free**_ , finally. Then the minute I said those words, I heard small hysterical laughter coming from Ezra, the sound of small restrained sobs filled the room, as if the kid was trying hard to be unheard, that he didn't want me to know that he was crying, within the Force I felt the teenagers _happiness_ and _love_ but I also felt his overwhelming _fear_ and _relief_. I could also sense that the kid was trying so very hard to keep it all in, but also conflicted on wanting to let it out.

Witnessing the state my son was in, the need for physical contact, my parental instincts, the urge to _comfort_ him were elevated even more then they had been before. The bed rail began to shake under Ezra's incredibly strong grip, gently I reached out and place my hand on Ezra's cheek, running my thumb a crossed the scars that were permanently stuck there curtsy of the Grand Inquisitor, they lay there against my thumb, unfading, "It's alright, Ezra. You don't have to always be so strong." I spoke these words softly, the tone of my voice holding reassurance as I tenderly wiped away the tears falling down the boy's cheeks.

" _K-Kanan_ —" Ezra whimpered out, gasping out as though he was being deprived of air into his lungs as he desperately leaned into my touch, I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist. "I— _I..._ " But it seemed like Ezra couldn't quite get the words out, he was at that point where his emotions were choking him, preventing him from verbally speaking, physically leaving him paralyzed. With much force, I sat up and I grasped his shoulders, giving it a firm but gentle squeeze, trying to get his attention.

"Son." A sharp hiccup echoed through the room at that word, but I knew he was looking directly at me. "Let it out."

The wall that held back Ezra's emotions shattered as I felt him barrel into me, he clung to me tightly, burying his face in my chest as he let out these gut wrenching sobs that broke my heart. Then I remembered then what I went through within my mind and I felt tears of my own prickle in my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him, protectively, securely, because it was all _over_. Carefully, I laid back against the bed and I began rocking us back and forth. "Shh, _Shh_. It's alright, Ezra. I got you, I got you." _He's safe, he's here with me, thank the Force._ I thought happily, as I placed a chaste kiss on the top of my Padawan's head.

Nail's started to dig into my back, the kid's sobs muffled against my chest. "Kanan, I— you were **_dying_**... I could _feel_ you fading away— I could sense Maul trying to kill you from the inside out... I could feel all the _**pain**_ he was putting you through and I _didn't_ know what to _do_!" I closed my eyes at the brokenness that was coming from my boy, caused the tears from before cascaded down my cheeks as I adjusted my embrace and placed my chin on top of Ezra's head, I rubbed his back and carded my fingers through his hair, stroking the nap of his neck.

"Shh, I know, it's okay." I whispered, soothingly.

Ezra still continued to cling to me, and I knew that he wasn't planning on letting go any time soon, but I was alright with that, I needed him right here with me just as much as he did. "I was completely useless, I couldn't do anything to help you!"

I shook my head, frantically, firmly. " _No._ No, Ezra, you **_saved_ ** me! My Masters may have helped heal my damaged mind but it was you who gave me the strength, you gave me your own _energy_ , and it was only because of that that I was able to force Maul out." Ezra's _guilt_ and _fear_ were overwhelming him as they always tended to do when it comes to the lives of his family.

Ezra continued to cry, I felt his tears dampen my medical robe. "I thought you were going to _die_ , I thought I was going to lose you again and I just— Dad, I ** _can't_**!"

"I know, son." I said quietly, "But I'm here, I'm _right here_ , Ezra. And I promise you that I'm **_not_ ** going anywhere. As long as I am alive I will always be here and no number of Siths or madness will ever be able to change that."

The kid in my arms clung to me and nuzzled his face in my shoulder. "Dad... I love you."

I tightened my hold around Ezra, and sighed, feeling at peace. "You too, son."

Because I did.

Then the two of us just laid there in silence, holding one another. Completely content within each others company as Ezra's sobs turned into quiet hiccups. I continued to rub the boy's back, feeling happy for the first time in months. I inhaled a breathe and then let it out with a shaky exhale, feeling myself slowly losing the battle of sleep. It was about seven minutes later when Ezra finally broke then silence, "Kanan?" He sniffed out, his voice hoarse from crying.

I blinked and tried to stay awake, my mind already on the verge of succumbing to claws of dreamland. "Hmm?" I managed to murmur.

Ezra seemed to hesitate for a few seconds before he finally spoke. "In— In your mind, that woman... I remembered I was standing— err.. _floating_ next to a woman, dark skin and her hair in braided loops— was that... _her_?"

I didn't need to know in detail who 'her' was, I knew exactly who he was talking. I nodded, gently, "Yeah, that was her." I remembered my Master then, how she came to help me, how she disobeyed the Force itself, to aid me in critical time of need. How she looked at me with such love and affection, like the events during Order 66 never happened. "That was my Master."

"Before... Before I passed out, I remember her saying something to me."

I blinked, surprised. My curiosity getting the better of me. "What did she say?"

Abruptly, I could sense Ezra's _happiness_ go through our bond. "She said that she was proud to have a Padawan like you."

I let out a scoff at those words, though it sound more of an emotional chuckle. "And I was proud to have a Master like her, I always was."

"She... She called me her 'Grandson'."

A laughed escaped my lips, as I smiled and hugged Ezra that much closer to my chest. "In a way, you are. If you wanted to be, that is."

"Really?" His voice was small, but hopeful.

"Of course."

I began to drift in and out of sleep a few minutes after that, I kept my hold on Ezra, still refusing to let him go as I let go and fell asleep.

* * *

I was awoken by the sound of someone talking going a speaker, I began to panic, forgetting where I was in that split moment but then seconds later I realized that it was simply the nurse droids alerting everyone on the base of something. I blinked the haze out of my eyes, and rubbed my them with my hand. I felt Ezra nuzzle my shoulder, his arms tightening around my waist, almost protectively. "Kanan..." He mumbled in his sleep. I smiled and raised my arm and ran my fingers through the back of his hair.

 ** _"_** _Right here, kid. **"**_ I announced through our bond, affectionately.

Then the speaker gave a loud crack of feedback and I felt Ezra jump in my arms, gasping fearfully, immediately awake as he fought blindly against the presence around him. I tightened my arms around his body, keeping him still. "Hey, _hey_. It's okay, it's just the loud speaker. It's alright." Ezra relaxed seconds later, he sagged in my arms and let out a sigh of relief that was mixed with one of annoyance.

" _Kriffing_ Karablast.." If Hera were here she would have scolded the kid for such language, but I simply chuckled and patted the boy's back.

"Language, padawan." I said teasingly. To which Ezra merely scoffed fondly. And it was then that we realized what exactly was being said out the speaker. The nurse droids monotone voice was making it's finale repeat of it's announcement, it's announcement about me. It said that I, after two days had finally awoken and that I was most importantly _sane_. That comment made Ezra twitch in my embrace, right away the teenager was angry, b _ecause he has always been sane! He was **never** crazy to begin with, how dare—_

"Easy, it's fine." I assured him, gently, quietly.

And with that, the loud speaker gave a loud crack as it was turned off by the droid. It didn't surprise me in the slightest when Hera and the rest of my crew all clambered into the room, a few minutes later. I felt all their presences at once, I felt their concern, their fear, their hope, all of it came crashing into, so fast that it left me reeling a bit as they all shouted my name all at once. "Kanan!" My gaze moved towards them all and even though I couldn't see their expression, by the the silence in the room right after my name was spoken, I could tell they were a bit speechless. Then all that fear disappeared, and it was replaced with relief, and their hopefulness shined even brighter then before, I smiled at them all.

"Are you going to stand there staring?" I teased them, with a smile on my face.

Not seconds later, I felt Hera making her way towards me, I felt her aura, her love and I was so lucky to have her that I was completely caught off guard when she slap my shoulder, hard. "Ah!" I yelped, surprised by the sudden change in her demeanor.

"You're lucky that your injured or else I would have hit you _harder_!" Hera spoke out, her voice teetering on the edge of fuming and happy all at once. "You were in _critical_ condition! You had severe anxiety attack and you're _stopped beating_. You had to be resuscitated three times, while all of us could do nothing but watch you die!" Her voice cracked on the last word and her breathe hitched a little before continuing, "We were all a mess, and Ezra was hysterical that he went into a deep meditation to try and save you and then he passed out." My eyes widened at her words, I looked down at Ezra, who I could feel shrink ever so slightly, feeling nervous.

 ** _"_** _Is this true?_ ** _"_** I said as I gave his body a little squeeze.

_**"** Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you but I was... just happy that you were alive that I forgot... **"**_

I was about to reply through our bond, when Hera interrupted me, hitting my shoulder once again to get my attention. "Don't you _ever_ scare us like that _ever_ again, Kanan Jarrus." Then I felt her _sadness_ and _fear_ engulf her, in fact I felt a lot of _fear_ and _sadness_ engulf the rest of my family as well. "We thought that we were going to lose you, just... **_please_**. Don't do it again."

Wanting to take her pain and sadness away, I did it in the only way I knew how even though I knew this was something I couldn't probably keep, I nodded my head once, "Okay." I said softly, gentle tone in my voice. I felt her then grasp my upper arm, her hand was shaking.

"About... About locking you up... Kanan, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for doing that to you."

"We all are, mate."

"As am I." Sato's voice appeared out of no where as the doors to the medical bay closed. "At the time, I thought that it was the best solution for all of our safety as well as your own, but I see that I was being foolish. The only one's who saw the wrongness of my fault was Captain Rex. Make no mistake, no one here is to blame for this misunderstanding, that is mine alone to bare." The Commander paused for a few moments, before speaking. "I apologize deeply, Kanan. I hope you can forgive me."

I smiled, gently and shook my head. "I never blamed any of you for isolating me, I knew why I was in that room, even though I knew it was worsening my condition, thinking back on it with a clear head now, I am grateful that you all did it, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had hurt any of you...I understand, so there's nothing to forgive." Verbally, I heard them all sigh with utter relief, it was as if they were all kept at bay from me with an invisible wall, they feared my rejection, that I would hold a grudge for placing me in that room for those couple days. But now that they knew I held no ill will, that barrier was gone and the rest of them strode over to me.

"So, Kanan. You were in a rough shape, mate— _Ooph, u_ gh... if you don't mind me askin', how did you pull through? Was it some Jedi magic?"

"Actually, yeah it was. But... it's a little more complicated then that, I wouldn't want to confuse you."

Suddenly, Hera laughed and I felt her hand reach for my shoulder, giving it a gently but firm squeeze. "Love, we went through two days with you in critical condition, I think you owe us a little explanation." And that's exactly what I did. I explained what I was whilst they were all arguing about keeping me isolated... who I saw, my Master, how I thought it was another illusion and that Maul had been right about my family not being enough. Then I explain about drifting in a sea of nothingness, how Maul was succeeding in taking me over, filling me with such sorrow, how he and the other voices laughed at how I simply gave up trying, I told them how tired I was and that I couldn't fight anymore, that I waited for the end to come only to be save by my Mother and Master Yoda.

"My Masters instructed me that in order to save myself I had to let it all go, all the pain, anger, sadness even the happy memories, I had to let go, to cleanse my heart and soul of it all." as I finally finished my tale of triumph over the Sith Lord that has plagued us for so long. And I fell silent to take a breathe from all that talking I could sense everyone elses awe, confusion and utter amazement. I couldn't tell if they were impressed, fearful or just plain lost.

"Karablast..." Zeb sighed, it was more of a disbelief whisper, it sounded as though he had just through a 30 hour work out and was completely exhausted. "Mate... just... damn."

"I concur." Rex agreed and I could tell that he understood deeper of my tale then he was letting on. Maybe his troopers or his Jedi went through something similar? Something even more tragic then the Clone Wars, or Order 66?

"Love?" Hera said, her voice quiet, gentle and loving as it always was. "You're Master... _Billaba._ Did you... get to say goodbye?" She asked as she griped his hand and held it tight. Because Hera has always known about my past, she was the first person I told about my true name, and who my Master was. She knew my feelings for abandoning her, she knew my sadness and pain. So therefore she _knew_ how much seeing Billaba again after decades of guilt would mean to me.

I smiled, as I placed my hand on top of hers. "Yeah." I said with a nod. "I did."

Zeb chose then, to cut in with a question, "So how did you know, get Maul out of your head? I thought ya didn't have the strength to fight back?"

"Well I didn't on my own." I chuckled a bit before I raised my arm, where I had it practically glued around Ezra's shoulders and squeezed him, giving him a little shake to inform everyone else that my triumph was Ezra's as well. "Not until Ezra gave me his energy, it was all because of him that I was able to banish Maul from my mind." I could sense and feel Ezra tense but from embarrassment,

" _Kanan.._." His voice was small and I could tell that he was probably blushing.

"Alright kid! Who knew all that energy from being so hyper was good for somethin'!" Zeb said with a loud laugh as I felt my Padawan in the front line assault of a noogie from a overjoyed Lasat.

"Well, done lad."

"Ow! Zeb, stop! This hurt when my hair was long and it's worse now that it's short!" Ezra said with a cry of pain as he struggled to break free of Zeb's hold.

"Who's fault is that for cuttin' it that way, kid?" The Lasat laughed, a smirk was undoubtedly was spread a crossed his face.

"Kanan!" Ezra yelped, laughing. "Dad, help!"

I let out a joyful laugh of my own as I decided to aid my still young Padawan. I reached for my student and easily pulled him from Zeb's grasped and back into mine. "Don't worry, kiddo. I got you." I said as I wrapped my arm around Ezra's waist, still laughing as the kid rubbed the top of his head from the abuse it had endured with the teasing Lasat. "I'll protect you from this hairy beast."

Zeb let out a growl of laughter, "Who are you callin' a beast, _Space Cowboy!"_

I tilted my head to the side as I used my right hand to put a distance between Zeb and myself. Which wasn't much considering how long Zeb's arms were. "What even is that by the way?"

Zeb scoffed with a shrug. "Dunno."

Laughter that wasn't our own echoed through the room. Hera, Sabine, Rex, Chopper, even Sato was chuckling at this display. Everyone laughing along side us, I could feel their love and affection, their happiness and relief that everything was back to how it was before Ahsoka, Ezra and I had all met Maul back on Malachor. And I felt that Ezra came to that same conclusion, within our bond I felt his own joy and happiness, it mixed with mine and I squeezed him tightly in my arms, placing a chaste kiss on top of his head, because it was over, we were **_free_** of Maul, _I_ was free.

Even more so when I listened to my families laughter, as I listened to them all tease Zeb and praise Ezra for saving my life, announce to me how glad they were that I was alright. I realized that not only was I free but I was whole. With everyone around me, surrounded by them all, my heart... my soul was complete.

I was home.

And that... Well that meant everything to me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *cries from exhaustion and happiness*
> 
> IT'S DONEEEEEEEE! hOLY SHITT GUYS
> 
> I FINISHED after so so many days of typing, after so many long hours spend writing and rewriting Kanan's POV, contemplating if I was doing this right, second guessing myself and saying this part was just TOO long, after all of that I am finally done and i am SOO HAPPY like GUys you don't understand how ecstatic I am. I felt sooo guilty for keeping you all waiting for so long! I knew that the longer I took the more of you would most likely abandon this story because I was taking so long because that's what happened with most of my other stories.
> 
> SO I tried my damnedest to write fast enough to post this after my much needed break was over, my goal was to get as far as I got with Ezra's but it just kept going and I couldn't stop writing. I still feel so very guilty that this story is looonger the Ezra's but I don't have the will to put this as another one-shot.
> 
> I put so much detail into this one, so much like Kanan my poor man I'm sorry i put you and Ezra through so much hurt and painful shitty shit, I'm sorry I made you go temporarily insane and then I almost killed you again, I'm sorry. And I'm sorry to you all as well, having to deal with my slowness and incompetence and having to read all the Kanan angst, I just... I knew I was going into different territory with him then I was with Ezra. There may be a few misspells and mistakes here and there but honestly I'm too tired to deal with them right now.
> 
> Anywoo, a penny for your thoughts? Reviews are always appreciated and again I say right now I could really use some because I am so nervous about this one, I don't think I did a very good job. SO please leave them in a review and I will see you all next time!


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